Fatwah

The infidel fleas have invaded the sacred temple of the Kingfish. I, the Yard Ayatollah will now issue a fatwah to eradicate the defilers from the soil. I will jihad them first inside with a bomb, then I will chemically terrorize them where they live. The high preistess Maggie will forsake them in holy water, and we will rejoice the death to the evil.

Mi Patria

Wise County Messenger opinions are perhaps my greatest source of joy on this planet. No doubt the advancement of Western Civilization is secure in God's Country.



Iurisdictio!











hortus ortus orgia!











Speciosus Villa!

The Knights who say ni Haiku

The knights who say ni
Need shubbery to pass by
cut down tree with a herring.

Ode to Walter Sobchak

Ode to Walter Sobchak

Chinaman peed on the rug
that tied the room together
Woo is really an Asian
that is the preferred nomenclature

The Big lebowski had a wife
so hot he couldn't keep her
trumped up kidnapping ransom
gave the Dude a beeper

The Dude rolls on
to the semis next Saturday
only because Walter
drew a firearm during league play

Three thousand years of beautiful tradition
From Moses to Sandy Koufax
Shomer shabbas on Saturday
Walters holy day to relax

Fucking pederast from Chino
that creep Quintana can roll
Walter is so confident
brought Pomeranian to bowl

I am the Walrus
Shut the fuck up Don
Take the current situation
camel fuckers and Vietnam

Life doesn't stop and start
at your convienence says our hero
Smokeys foot slipped over the line
Foul! mark it Zero.

There are rules in bowling
but not in Nam or history
Man in the Black pajamas
was worthy adversary

Ashes of Donny surfs Pacific
Heart taken by Nihlist attack
The Dude keeps on abiding
My ode to Walter Sobchak

Souvenirs from Louisiana

I also picked up some negative attitudes about people that are ignorant, as if I needed some more.

A friend and longtime Louisiana resident said that it is a badge of honor in the African American community to get publicly humiliated then come back and beat a white man for public office. That line of logic, if true, only lends me to deduce one thing. Reap it.

The best thing about Louisiana is the food, and simple things like Community Coffee. In my opinion, it is the best coffee on the market and it is cheaper (and tastes better) than any of the swill at Starbucks.







One of the most remarkable things about Louisiana is the obvious rampant crime and corruption. I am not smart enough to figure it all out, but I do know that it is a way of life and will likely never cease.




Despite all the troubles it is a remarkable natural beauty.

Roam

I have several things I want to do before I become a stiff. One is hike the Appalachian Trail.

I have read about people that have these so-called lists of things to do before you die. Too Oprah for me, although it seems to be something that might be beneficial. Accept, I think I would be good at telling other people what they should do. Which leads me to my rant.

Fucking Psychologists! They are supposed to be able to help people with personal problems. I have been to a psychologist and it seemed to me that they had very little to offer. No advice. Insight and wisdom is limited to the ability to book the next appointment. Great deal for them. One thing that they are good at is writing prescriptions.

I think you get better personal advice from an attorney, at least that has been my experience.

List of things not to do in life. My advice to men. Sorry ladies, I just think your gender might be a lost cause, hence the trip to psychologist.

1. do not marry, date, harbor, or trust a dishonest woman. (might be single forever)
2. do not smoke cigarettes
3. do not be unhappy at work
4. never draw to an inside straight

Obviously there are more. Here are things to do.

1. Think
2. Think
3. Think
4. Try not to do stupid things.

Aristotle said, "to die will be an awfully big adventure." I will spare you the carpe vino speech.


Is it football season yet?

The women are high class too.

Notice it doesn't say anything about wearing mesh.

Remind me to send him a red cap and a Speedo.

If you dont get this movie, then you have probably never been in charge of an adventure.

Few have ever been in charge, the boss, and ultimately responsible for the actions of a large group in random settings and situations.

I have. I get it. I understand the essence of giving an intern a Glock.

I reign as Zissou.


Ned Plimpton: Are we being attacked by hijackers?
Steve Zissou: Out here we call them "pirates".

Exactly.

Her Sioux name is Screws on second date.

This chick blew me off yesterday with this letter. It is so well written, I thought it should be shared.

Listen, I've decided I don't think you and are going to work out. It's not the job thing, it's more a personality thing. I don't really know how to explain that though I don't think it really needs explaining. So there ya go. But I would like to again say thank you for our date Friday, and dinner Saturday and Monday. Best wishes for you in the future.








Here is my response:

Dear Screws on second date,

I respect your intention in writing that letter. A poorly written blow off is better than wasting time. I can appreciate that. Personality? I am so glad I didn't hire a hooker last weekend. I got off a bit more cheaper. You know what they say, more bang for the buck. Just kidding. Well have fun f***ing the internet goth rejects on minumum wage. I really hope you can find one.

Saturday Funnies

Here is a cool new merit badge.

This song cracks me up everytime.

Nothing is better than diggin out the old Eddie Murphy skit of Buckwheat. (sorry nothing but the pic.)

Top 10 Lubbock Bars

My Alltime favorite Lubbock Bars.

1. Fox and Hound-houses could have been bought with the money I spent in there, housing developments with the amount I didn't get charged.





2. On Broadway-piano man, cheap whiskey, loose women.
3. Bash's-no explanation needed
4. J. Patrick O'Malley's-single tear
5. Yacht Club-right around the corner from Tech Terrace.
6. Tavern on the Green-pitch and putt night golf with cheap beer in the clubhouse..PURE GENIUS...F*** WAL MART!
7. Der Fluegenhafen-hell yeah
8. Robin's Nest-the amount of Spanish I de-learned could re-write Don Quixote
9. YELLOW ROSE-I can still hear Jay's constipated voice commercial on FMX.
10. Adolphs-its like a room full of stroke victims getting hammered and singing Skynyrd.

IRAN, I ran so far away.

I was reading all this cool stuff about Iran on the CIA website. You know the CIA, they are here to protect you from those bad people in Persia that want to get a nuclear bomb. Yeah CIA! Good times.

If we have to go in, I suggest the pincer movement from Iraq and Afghanistan. Pincer movement is not a new band. But it could be a neato new suppository or constipation pill. I suspect that there might be a few side effects.



To the point: I predict the new coalition of countries negotiating with Iran will fail. The Iranian president AHMADI-NEJAD is a badass. But here is the real deal. Isreal will knock out a bomb pronto if they ever get one.

I see you rolled your way into the semis!

The Big Lebowski is inspirational to a generation. Although the Jesus is briefly in the movie, his words and moves will echo through the centuries.










When I was younger, I wanted to be a lawyer. Now I want to abide, just like the DUDE.