Lubbock Centennial

Baby dont get hooked on me

The best part about this whole shindig is Mac Davis is going to perform. Hell Yes! It's Sunday at the "Bubble" which is now reffered to as the City Bank Coleseum. It's 5 bucks and I hear that Joe Ely and Barry Corbin are going to be there as well.

100 years of Lubbock and you still can't get a 6 pack at the Swami Mart.

I hear people bitch and moan about this all the time but I dont care. Besides, if you need a beer, it isn't the worst place in the world to be in. Which brings me to my Lubbock Conspiracy theories.

The two greatest things about living in Lubbock.

First and foremost, you can get a beer in a frosty mug at any daytime and most nighttime hours for under 2 bucks. It it isn't no sissy beer either. I know for a fact the Spoon has 1.25 Schooners all DAY...Everyday!

The second is just a freak deal, but hear me out. This only applies to me but if I am listening to local Lubbock radio and I flip around the stations, within 10 minutes a Carlos Santana song will be playing. It's so true. I have lived here on and off for years and its either Black Magic Woman, Oy ya Como Va, or that one he did with the dude from Matchbox 20.

Those are the greatest things besides Red Raider Football, the Llano winery drunken art festival, and tailgating...plus the weather which is blowing dirt right now as I type. That is not the actual name of the Art Festival but it should be.

My friend...good ole TF!

He and his wife are expecting a baby girl. They are picking through various names and his criteria is simple. If it sounds like a stripper name, then it is out. I was in his office the other day and he was doing the constipated-stoner DJ voice of any strip joint in America, you know what I'm talking about. "Now welcome to the stage...Kashmir!" Kashmir gets my vote for the name, by the way but i betcha its going to be Gertrude or Hillary..ha! j/k Tit...

David Dewhurst Ad

There is one on local televison about how he is going to make sure only
U.S. citizens get to vote and how he is going to enforce this if he gets elected. Sounds good David! Is that one running on Telemundo too? I'm actually for this but it isn't like his opponent John Sharp is saying he wants to let illegals vote...sheesh!

He isn't going to pull my vote becasue he was Gov. Rick Perry's chairman for Homeland Security and he is going to spend 14 million or somesuch to get elected. Anyone that can spend that much money to get elected isn't doing so if they dont think its a good investment for themselves. Save the 'serve the citizens' speech for the locksteppers Dave..I'm not buying.

There is a great article about David Dewhurst here.


John Sharp is the former Comptroller that saved Texas from having a state income tax back in the early 90's. I'm voting for him.

Caucuses?

Evidently, we have to go to a caucus after the primary election. That gives me tired head.

You're Hired!

Talent pays more than training, of that I am now convinced. I hired two normal males in the 28-30 year old range. They are rocking! It turns around that fast. Notice I stated 'normal'. Normal in this case means damn near Mormon without actually being Mormon. No tattoos, prior convictions, or substance abuse problems. They both have families. It's a great deal because they are not afraid to turn the wheels of commerce.

Cha-ching

Our rivals in Amarillo and Albuquerque both stated they would beat us here in Lubbock this week. If you added up their combined production, they missed winning by 100. Reminded me of this years football game against A&M. One of their player gauranteed a win. Tech 35 A&M 7.

Bill Clinton came to Lubbock

Never thought I would state this but I wish he was running. More than that, I wish Al Gore was running. There was a big crowd, but in the paper the next morning the pictures of the crowd in attendence looked like the cast from The Grapes of Wrath.

The Government is Broken

Step 1. File taxes.

Step 2. Get check from the 'stimulus package'

Step 3. Pay 40% more for goods and services.

Go look up on wikipedia the Weimar Republic. It worked out pretty good for them. I know, I know....some of you will think, that cant happen to us. This is America! Well, we have done this before in the latter half of the 1920's. The next thing that happened was called the Great Depression.

YADA, yada...Roger Clemens meet Karma.

I want to believe he didn't. I really do. Then I think, what does this matter? The Yankees cheat, OU cheats, the Patriots cheat. Makes it sweeter when the cheaters lose. Back to Roger. No Red Sox were mentioned in the Mitchell Report. hmmmm.

More Baseball

The Red Raiders start the new season on Friday afternoon. I will be there along with the other 15 people that care. Hopefully it will be better than last season. I have high hopes.

Knight

He quit on his team. I was disappointed in the facts and the spin more than anything. But now that it is done, I am happy we have Pat. The bottom line is until we can recruit more athletic players, it will be mediocre at best.

Fox and Hound videos (if I ruled the world)

Management of Fox and Hound, here my plea. Make a Kingfish video. Put it on, and play it continuously until I leave. That is all I ask.

Druggie revisited

The owner of our company is big softie and hired the drug addict back. He promptly returned from a days work with the truck damaged. Evidently, he found time during his hectic day of scoring hits to sell some meat. I just dont know how he does it, but he must have composed himself between tweaks and winks to close a deal or three.

Nothing good will come of this....

Josephina Dirt brought her 15 year old daughter to work today. She said, "she has a project due for career day at school. is it ok if she rides with me and learns something."

Totally caught offguard and containing the inner laugh I replied, "ummmm yeah, well as long as she doesn't drive I'm ok with that."

"Oh she aint drivin on the highway, just going to follow along the street as I knock doors."

I'm thinking, what part of "as long as she doesn't drive" do you not understand.

"Ummm no, just let her tag along and help with the boxes."

They look at each other in the way that I just know they aren't going to comply. You know the look.

She flips her mane and says, "well okay."

Dude, it's Kashmir!

Stories from the Meat Office

We have a new Joe Dirt, except this one is a woman. Picture Kentucky waterfall hairdo on a skinny chick that likes old fast cars. I swear, I am not making this up.

The best part is, that with her we have FINALLY been able to crack into the goldmine of business in and around trailer park communities. Thats right people! Don't judge. The first thing you need to know about trailer parks is, these people have a surprising amount of disposable income. Second, they have a big appetite for great steak. It's January and most people are recieving their tax refund checks so its party time. I love America!

When one doors opens, another closes...or something like that. While we added a bright new star to our team, we lost another. Our recovering crack/meth/alcoholic hit on the wrong door (evidently a crack house), and he was promptly tempted and obliged. Then amazingly, he went on a selling spree that crashed and burned out last week. I had to fire him the other night for attempting to sell our company truck and stealing company money. Such a shame because I thought he was going to beat it. WRONG. But through his difficult trials to come in coping with addiction, I hope he learns one thing. In America, only the government can sell something they dont own and you damn sure can't sell a meat truck to a car lot in Lubbock, without a clear title.

Moving On

I am major pumped about a new bowling shirt my mom got me on her visit to Graceland. It's badass, and if you see me at Fox wearing it, YOU will say something cool to me. That's what I like about it the most. Not that it looks good on me, but it brings a good positive vibe over people around me. Isn't that cool?


Say Anything clip

Mayor of Lubbock?

My friend Bob Plecker thinks I should run for mayor of Lubbock. Let me rephrase that, when Bob Plecker is drinking beer, he thinks I should be mayor of Lubbock. I can't lie, I would like to do that job. But before I would agree to even run for that office, I would need some kind of platform or ideas to put forth to better the biggest small town in America.

Idea #1-Mayor of Lubbock gets $2 pints in all bars in town. (this one seems selfish but trust me when I state this, we need a mayor that knows the pulse of the people and the bars here are a great reflection of the general welfare here.)

Idea #2-All city employees will be required to speak with a heavy Texan accent while at work. I have no good reason to do this, I just think it will be funny.

Idea #3-Make the McDougals purchase a small Carribean island and 2 Jumbo jets then deed it over to the city. Then citizens can petition me on how they got screwed over by them and I can make arrangements to get them out of town for some vacation. Will bill em for the gas.

Idea #4-The city will build a new Buddy Holly museum worthy of the man's achievements. Then we can get the Depot back as at was circa 1989.

Idea #5-Rock and Roll festival that kicks major ass. And if this means cededing the Jones for a week to get a beer at the show...then SO BE IT. If Tech doesn't like it they can move to Lazbuddie. I probably cant make this happen, but you have to admit that would be great. Warm Summer evenings...cold beer..STONES, U2, WILLIE!

Idea #6-HELLO....ITS WINDY HERE EVERY DAY! Make LP&L build wind farms until we generate enough power to sell to the Yankees living along the I-35 corridor. Just think, LP&L slogan could be....so good, we pay you to live here!


Platform- I know, I know, I know....it's the cameras stupid! Here it is. How about we take all of the cameras and send them to Afghanistan. Then the army can put them up all over the place there to help find Bin Laden. Just because they cant find him in eight years doesn't mean I have to spend the rest of my life being watched every waking second. This is Lubbock, Texas and there is no need to live in a police state that makes East Berlin look like Club Med.


Other than the facts like I have no real experience in city administration or politics and I have strong disdain for bureuacrats. I do have a promise. I will not screw it up as bad as the last three or four mayors have, and I will not take a bribe unless its a really huge check and I can do it legally.

Football season end game

Another season is officially over for me. I dont care about the Super Bowl. Insert Duane Thomas quote here.

Here is a review of my teams and performance in order of emotional importance.

1. Texas Tech-Good season, would have been great had we beat Texas in Austin. After that game, all was lost then the Red Raiders went and beat OU. Plus they won the Gator Bowl and my mom won me a Gator Bowl watch at the game...thanks mom.

2. Decatur Eagles- Playoffs as usual. I think they won a game there, or maybe not. Need to get to a couple of those games next year, but season tickets for Tech take priority.

3. Dallas Cowboys- The first season I have taken more than a casual interest in a decade. My casual interest turned to obsession for about the last month. Somehow, I knew it was a bad deal to get involved again. I could go on and on about this. This video expresses my emotions today.

The Dirt Doctor and the funny stuff you like to read here

I am preparing for a big garden. I was actually doing the plan today and researching some stuff online when I ran across The Dirt Doctor.

http://www.dirtdoctor.com/newhome.php

Things that surprise me about this site.

1. The Dirt Doctor is a Tech grad.

2. He has been on the radio for some time...IN D-FW. I haven't been paying attention.

3. The Forums are lively with discussion, which is nice because I have conflicting advice on gardening so far.


Kingfish Garden Items

Vegetables:

3 varieties of tomatoes (roma, beefsteak, and something else)
squash
corn
okra
black eyed peas
spinach
carrots
broccoli
onions

Herbs:

basil
oregano
3 types of hot peppers (Serrano, Anaheim, and something else not habanjero)
bell peppers (green and red)
garlic
cilantro
chives
mustard greens

I WANT A MINIATURE DONKEY!!!!!

I wonder if it is against city ordinance. I wonder if I can get a farm exemption. I wonder if the donkey will tear shit up. What good can come of this, other than having a mini donkey around. Probably wont happen, but I am thinking of making an addition to our small family here. Maggie (thats my dog) is getting older and I think another dog might help keep here on her toes.

I have my heart set on either a German Shepherd or a Boston Terrier or both. The problem is more dogs equals more problems, such as feeding and care. But nevertheless, I am jealous of my friend Todd. He has a Boston Terrier named Yoda. I call him Yaz, because I am a Red Sox fan and I think all dogs of this breed should be named after Red Sox baseball players. Somebody cool out there has a Boston Terrier named Curt or Manny or Popi. I might go with Ted. If you dont get it, then you just dont.

As for German Shepherds, we have always had great luck with this breed in my family. In fact, Maggie is half German and half Border Collie. Would kill to have another dog like her again in this lifetime, but its hard to exceed perfect. With that thought, I may just stand pat with the old Maggie Dog and stop with her after she is gone. Boy I hate to think about that, but one day there will be no more Maggie. I always wondered how much money I would have to cough up to get her cloned. Much cheaper to get a taxidermist involved......AND...

Why not get her stuffed! After all, people get animals stuffed after they shot them. Weird how they never lived with the animal or even gave it a name, but instead shot it and now have it prominantly hung over the fireplace. Nothing wrong with that, right? Then why would it be wierd to have a much beloved family pet stuffed? "Yep, that's old Scraps over there...we got him posed that way cause he loved to piss on the geraniums....and over thare's Fifi...damn poodle loved to hump the chair."

What's up at the Meat Office?

Other than getting two trucks repo'd and firing 6 people, nothing much. I hear the Christmas party was a huge success (out for personal reasons). Success being defined as only two folks were strung out on hallucinagenic and psycolotrophic narcotics. Other than that, there was nothing more than your average copying your ass on the Xerox type banter and fun. In abstentia, I got a plaque that said TOP SALESMAN. I got it the other day and I was so proud of myself until I found out that 8 other people got the same plaque. I wonder if that would look good on a resume?

Got a phone call from a guy that was looking for work, so I booked him an interview.

He asked, "Do you accept felonies?"

I said, "depends on what kind..is it like a murder or rape type felony? or an average type theft felony?"

"Which one do you accept?"

I said, "well tell me, do you have a driver's liscence?"

"no man, they takes it away cause I aint paid up my child support."

"hmmmm...well, I am sorry for the confusion but I thought it was clear from the ad that we needed driver's."

"ya well, I just wanted to make sure."

"Thanks for coming in..good luck"

In my mind I hear the voice of Lumbergh....UMMMM YEAH OKAY.

The AD in Pravda said plainly, Driver's wanted...work today get paid today..etc, etc.

Conjugal Visits announce reunion

At last, I am proud to announce that my band Conjugal Visits has decided to reunite for a New Years Eve gig at the Fox and Hound in Lubbock, TX. We have been jamming together for a couple of weeks now, and have put together some new tunes to go along with our normal lineup for the show.

For those of you that don't remember or have simply forgot, here is a rundown of our triumphant and somewhat tumultuous past. My musical career started out when a few young lads from my neighborhood started a cover group called, John McEnroe tennis racket Air Guitar Supply. We played a few living rooms and backyard barbecues in the late 70's and early 80's. One evening, we were playing the Sheriff's office wife swap bash when our tape recorder batteries went dead. Suddenly, everyone realized that it wasn't us, but a recording made with a microphone of Solid Gold. Solid Gold was a show hosted by Marilyn McCoo that spat out the top hits on the chart every week. Our brief but successful career was over and we parted ways.

Later in college, I was on Spring Break at South Padre Island when I was introduced to the magical sounds of C&C Music Factory and the duo group Milli Vanilli. I remember it now as a turning point in my voyage through life. I was passed out in a port-a-shitter next to a tequila bar one morning when through the vents I heard the notes that would change my life forever..."buh buh buh....buh buh buh..BABY..dont forget my NUMBER" I was like, yeah man..thats the shit! and where am I?....is this heaven?...did I O.D? Then next I heard THIS.

I was mistakenly sure I was indeed in heaven, but it wasn't like the preacher described back at church. Surely God had more money than to have the gates of heaven be a plastic door to a chemically hygiene toilet. Anyway, I soon discovered that I wasn't dead but that God had given me a second chance, and with that chance I needed to do something with my life to make it meaningful. After all, I didn't want to die alone without making some kind of 15 minute mark.

So I struck back for home, but before I could get on the road, I took one last trip to Mexico. That night, I got arrested by the Federalies at the border for smuggling street tacos and extra strength no doze. Everyone knows they dont need a reason. But Lo and behold, God sent another sign. In the Matamoros jail, I ran into my old pal from the John McEnroe tennis racket Air Guitar Supply days. It was none other than TR (TR stands for Tape recorder) Roger. We talked for hours about our lives. I found out that TR Rog had been working at various brothels and titty bars along the border perfecting his skills. He called it "two tape recorders and a microphone." I was like, "Dude, that's exactly what I have been looking for." Thus Conjugal Visits was born. I'd rather not say how we came up with the name of the band, it's not as cool as you might think.

We started almost immediately plotting our conquest. You may remember our first album. We released it as an import on our independent label Aborted Inc. It was simply called, Conjugal Visits. We had a small hit and got some airplay with our Reggae remake of No Woman No Cry. TR Rog would mix in some Ratt Round and Round over the part where the back up singers are supposed to sing "no WOman no Cry." Our fans loved it but the Boquillas Times critic didn't see it that way at all, stating "the results of Conjugal Visits should be aborted, not incorparted." I, of course, responded in the editorial page with a letter. It said,

Dear Critic,

You misspelled Incorporated.

MC White Chocolate

Undeterred, Rog and I added another band member that we met after opening at karaoke night at Speeds pool hall. We knew we needed a female that would wear a leather bra and a mini skirt. She called herself Yummy. She was a part time stripper and was studying cosmetics at a local university. Her voice was like a constipated monkey on acid, and what resulted was the birth of Gothic music, at least that is what the insert of our vinyl limited edition remix album said. Rog recorded the sound of dolphins having sex under water from an old VHS of Mutual of Omahas Wild Kingdom. From that, Yummy would screech "I feel dirty! Put some soap on me!" Then I would be background singing, "let's get it on", just like a white guy singing Marvin Gaye. Looking back, I believe that hit from Chamillionaire probably was inspired by us.

It was about that time when Operation Desert Storm and Desert Shield was going, or maybe it was the other way around, anyway...war was in the air. Yummy and I convinced Rog we needed to do a protest album. Looking back, Weapons of Mass Destruction was way before its time. We did a live kazoo cover of Bob Dylan's Subterranean Homesick Blues WITHOUT the words. Admittedly, it didn't come off well on the album, but was a huge hit with the crowd at our gigs at that time. Another big hit for us was Why Can't we be trade Food for Oil to the tune of Why Cant we be Friends by War. We were sure this was going to be our breakthrough, but disappointing sales and the short duration of the war led to a shakeup in the band.

Yummy decided to go solo and Rog and I then hooked up with an actual musician that played organ at a small church. His name was Anal Roberts. (insert snicker here) From those jam sessions with Anal, we recorded several tracks that were originally on our unreleased Gospel album, Conjugal Visits Religion, then later found public domain on the greatest hits LP, Conjugal Visits Revisited. The best track of those being our tribute cover to Madonna's Papa don't Preach. When we recorded that song in the studio, it was engineered so only the trained ear can hear the sound of Rog playing the original Star Trek theme in the background when you play it backwards. Pretty damn cool.

From that point, we felt that as a band and as artists, we had reached a pinnacle that could not be surpassed. DJ Roger broke all ties and got a job with the National Security Agency. Anal Roberts left the country for Africa and tried missionary work, but it wasn't a fit. He later came back and got into pharmaceutical sales. I started and failed many other tribute band projects after the Conjugal breakup. My rap group C.W.A. (Crackers With AK-47's) had a small following in parts of Alabama and Mississippi but never took off on the big stage. I fell into a 10 year depression without my mates.

To everyone's surprise, Yummy and Anal had met on a networking personal website and began to date. They grew into love and decided to get married just last month. At the reception, TR Rog and I were coaxed into getting onstage and perform with Anal and Yummy. All of the old stuff just poured out and we knew that we had all found what we had been missing all these years.

Our new album is tentatively called Conjugal Visits: After Execution. I have included some statements below from yesterday's press conference announcing our comeback.

MC White Chocolate "We have decided to only cover dead artists on this album because, as a group, we were dead. In many ways, we can never be the band we once were, but by doing only songs by the dead, they and us..... can still speak today."

Yummy, "its not like were this old band that got back together to do just reunion shows together, we also want to say that we can make another album, maybe not as good as the ones you used to buy and like, but maybe you'll buy this one and hope it is as good as the old ones that were good, you know what I'm saying."

TR Roger "Recorded music re-recorded still has an audience man. We do want to prove that we can still record in that way.... because that is the essence that made us the art in artistic ways that no other people thought possible."

Anal "I just want to say that I am in pharmaceuticals...you know..and we were..in our time...just like the generic drugs that are sold today..accept we are in music you know."


Random reporter, "What about the new audience and generation that have never heard of you, how will you sell in the Internet driven media?"

MC White "Let me just answer that by saying this. We originated pirating others music and passing it off as our own."



Our show lineup for New Years Eve:

Gonna Make You Sweat (Sanford and Son theme mix)
Hawaii 5-O / CHiPs theme interpretive dance
Papa Don't Preach
Subterranean Homesick Blues
Lost in Love/ Folsom Prison Blues mix
Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald (video bouncing ball sing along)
A Capella Kashmir
Baby Don't Forget My Number/ Girl, I'm gonna miss you/ Oops, I Did it again (light show mix)
Dukes of Hazzard theme in spoken word


Hope to see you at the show and may you have a Conjugal Visits New Year!

Float On

Float On was a semi-popular song from the 70's by The Floaters aptly enough. I would provide a link but I'm being lazy and I don't feel like wasting your time. Basically the song......oh snap...the semi-retarded guy that works for me got a new cell phone for Christmas and it plays the damn OU fight song when it rings. It is too perfect around here most nights. Meat Store...late night...retarded guy that loves OU....carne guisada burrito....smoking cigarettes.

The words of David Byrne and Brian Eno roll through my head

Once in a Lifetime

And you may find yourself living in a shotgun shack
And you may find yourself in another part of the world
And you may find yourself behind the wheel of a large automobile
And you may find yourself in a beautiful house, with a beautiful wife

And you may ask yourself: Well...How did I get here?

Letting the days go by; let the water hold me down
Letting the days go by; water flowing underground
Into the blue again; after the money's gone
Once in a lifetime; water flowing underground.

It is my favorite Talking Heads tune.

So anyway, before I was rudely interrupted by the Boomer Sooner song I was about to launch into this analysis of 70's soft rock and groove that centered around infidelity and picking up chicks. It was going to be a masterpiece, but never mind. I will instead just give you the Sportcenteresque highlights.

The best in my opinion is Give it to me Baby by Rick James. Before you click the link and listen, which I highly suggest you do if you would like to be put in a damn good mood instantly, focus on the lyrics. Rick is saying that he got drunk and would like to make love. He doesn't want to hear any excuses because no matter what the excuse is, Rick is going to make it bad ass. Cool right? I'm very sure its his answer to Loretta Lynn's Don't Come Home a Drinkin.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XFmQAQ9EDeM


Consequences





Please enjoy my second favorite tune from the Talking Heads and read on. I remember picking this CD up a few years back. I never would play it for my small town buddies for fear of being outcast from them for having music taste. It's not to say they didn't have any, they did, I did, we did. I just that unwritten rule of herd mentality. It's what I like to term as grey-ghey. More on this later..time to go.

New Year Resolution tips

Its a rare day that I give advice on life skills. Here are a few that have worked for me recently, so I thought I might share.

1. Shut up and listen.

Simple concept but very hard to accomplish. I'm not going to ramble on and explain the upside to this. Try it and maybe you will learn something about yourself and gain better relationships with others.

Example: Employee with no brains because they have been strung out on drugs since the latter part of the 20th century starts explaining the intricacies of meat business to you. (it doesn't have to be the meat business..but work with me here.) Instead of arguing the concepts such as economy of scale and business ethics, try nodding your head and pretend like you are actually listening. It makes them feel validated. If they ask you a question, simply say verbatim this exact phrase. "hmmm...you know you might have something there. I'll look into it." Then you never do and they forget anyway so it's a win-win for everyone. This will work well whenever the subjuect of resolutions comes up around the shop, trust me.

2. Get ahead and then stay there.

It's easy to win when your ahead in the game, and this works for resolutions too. Did any of the U.N. resolutions work in Iraq? or anywhere else for that matter. Have any of your past personal resolutions worked out well? If your answer is not NO, then it should be. Why torture yourself with tons of goals and life changing 4 e-z payments of $19.95 bullshit. (unless its a really cool Time-Life Sounds of the 70's collection.) Without a resolution, or an even worse plurality of such, you will spare yourself another let down.

3. Torture the people around you.

Be the guy that suggests the buffet for lunch at the office on January 2nd. Be the girl that sleeps around with the every new hire that walks through the door. Okay, that may not be torture. Hell, sleep with the boss too while your at it. I'm just throwing these out because I think I would like to meet the office trollope with "quit banging the guys at work" as a resolution. Those people exist.
What good will this world be with more people feeling less than what they already do about their petty existence. Think about it. You have to fight fire with gasoline. Pour it on when they fail and watch them think twice about making more rules for 2009. I bet that monk that poured gasoline on himself in 1960 something wouldn't do that again.

4. If you must, try something that works.

If your unhappy with your circumstances, and feel the need for change. Just do this one thing every day and I promise things will get better for you.

Drink Alcohol.


Just kidding. But if you have an addiction problem, like internet midget porn or qualudes before 7th grade homeroom...I suggest you try moderation. Oh great, now I sound like I've been watching reruns of Donahue on Beta, but I digress. Seriously, maybe your not a screwed up as everyone else by comparison. I know you have read this thought before from me, but it never hurts to hang out with people that have less going for them than you do. It always helps my self esteem, and that after all is the trancedence of mind we all seek. Que the Pink Floyd man!

5. Parting with old aquaintences

Why should we forget them again? I never understood that song or how the entire cast of Love Boat never got a paying gig after years of powerful acting performances. Plus, I must admit that I do not know the words. I usually start out fine like everyone else with the lyrics, but it gets garbled and mixed in my head...and I still do not understand why we are supposed to forget everyone and never something something something...auld lang's eye or ain or whatever..just give me a kiss and dont spill the champagne.

Wes Welker cannot be stopped

http://www.boston.com/sports/football/patriots/articles/2007/12/03/yes_welker/

I'm completely biased about the subject of this article, but give it a read. The next sentence makes me smile. Wes Welker is the greatest player I have ever seen put on a Red Raider uniform. I remember being at the Tangerine Bowl a few years back and this Clemson fan we were tailgating next to said, "Your best player couldn't even start for us." He was talking about Wes.

Wes returned a punt for a touchdown to break open the game. After the end, the same guy stops me as we were getting into the car to return to Lubbock. I will never forget his face after I said, "Wes Welker cannot be stopped."

If symptoms continue..

This is day 87 or so of coughing, sneezing, and general bad health. I think last year was the only time I did not get ill during the change in seasons. I didn't work, I ate healthy, and lost a ton of weight because I was getting pumped at the gym. The weight is still off, I eat semi-healthy, and I get little aerobic exercise. I am sick because I work all the time.

Work=sick and Unemployed=healthy.

That doesn't exactly fit into Immanuel Kant's 'categories', but I'm no German philosopher and all I wonder about is how cool it was for him to just sit around and think and write. From what I remember from college, he isolated himself from his friends, and made up this stuff to ponder that hardly anyone other than the professors and eager debate students really cared to understand. I was the debater that quoted him, but didn't fully grasp the content. However the perception that I did understand come to find out proves some of his writing true....I guess.

One thing I like about my limited knowledge and understanding of philosophy, is that it's like hanging out with fat people. First, most people I hang out with have no knowledge whatsoever. Those that do cant keep it straight. So by comparison, I feel better about myself having a 38 waist than having a 50 size IQ. It's all about space and time in this reality of dimensions.

Chick movies I like

I saw this movie called The Holiday this weekend. I guess it came out last year. It was good. I hate to admit this, but I watched way too much football this weekend and needed something different. Because I'm comfortable in my sexuality, I can admit that I like chick flicks.

Maggie Dawg Update

The greatest dog of all times is in good shape, although I think she is starting to slow down now. I use to get upset at her when she would crawl in bed while i was gone, spreading hair, leaves, and dirt all over the sheets. Now that she is 10, I don't get upset. I am just glad she is around to irritate me. What will irritate me more is when she isn't going to be around. Here's to a good 6 more years.

Political Pundit Shows

I tried to watch Meet the Press and be interested. The only thing I like about the show now is all of the historical footage from shows past. The current show with Tim Russert is good, but the content is just too depressing. Only so many ways to try and spin chicken shit into chicken salad.

The best of Sunday Morning jerk

CBS had an interview with Steve Martin yesterday morning. I never get tired of seeing that wild and crazy guy play the banjo. He said that he quit stand-up many years ago and has never been back, but I sure wish he would. One of my favorite songs as a kid was King Tut.

Worst last name ever.

I'm interviewing a man with the last name BASTARDO in the morning. It was hell holding in my laughter over the phone while booking that appointment. (looking at resume') "So Misterrrrr Bastardo? and your first name?...let's just go with that. What was your family life like growing up?...hahahaha..just kidding."

Thanks for nothing

Stay sexy Lubbock, you beautiful city by the bay! We got our first freeze a few weeks back, but now that turkeys are being glazed and the cotton is being stripped it's that time to give unwarranted (or unwauranteed) wisdom. I serve it up cold.

1. I give thanks that I'm not eating a Thanksgiving dinner in L.A. made by El Pollo Loco (it's a fast food chain) while wondering if my now ex- girlfriend is going to give me another scratch and right cross. It's the thought that matters this time of year, or is that saying reserved for Xmas? In any case, all I can say to you is, if the dinner sucks, order out to Pedro's Tamales.

2. I am thankful that I have no outstanding warrants or judgements like many of my employees do. Just today I got a letter from the Attorney General of Texas ordering such and such and lawyer talk to take money from an employee and give it to their office. I would do so, but the guy is an independent contractor. (Please feel free to give advice below on this if you know what I'm supposed to do here, my corporate office hasn't the slightest idea what to do either.)

3. I think it is remarkable how many people are hooked on dope, getting divorced, and have 6 children by four different parents. I don't know if that makes sense, but I think its great that despite my problems, others have it much worse. Face!

4. I am thankful that in 2007 The Police decided to tour again. That is the best thing that happened in my opinion. That and the fact that Notre Dame has lost 9 games. Must be a sign of the end times.

5. I think I made a decision regarding my personal political and religious beliefs. First, no religion. Second, no politics. Third, I worship the giver of unconditional love, the Maggie dog. But I am looking into Scientology, just for kicks. I was thinking of getting my salespeople some Bibles they could give away with every sale just to cover my ass if I'm wrong. (For those of you playing along at home, that is satire.)

6. If the devil is six, then God is Seven. The Pixies rock, and I'm thankful I am cool like the cool kids still whilst the rest of you are paying two grand so your offspring can see Billy Ray Cyrus's jail bait daughter. Achy Breaking your broke overmortaged behind on the 3 year lease payment on the 13 mile a gallon Hummer you thought would be pratical had the government not invaded a country for no reason but did it anyway because they lied to you and knew that you wouldn't really care. Time to unpimp your ignorance and get a VEEEE DUBYAH!

7. I am thankful for grain fed Black Angus cattle producers and meat packing plants. Without you I would still be struggling, and I am happy to be your middle man between you fine folks and the red meat eating world. Never mind that I eat organic food. Self corruption has an upside.

Ocho. I am thankful for my friends and family, and some but not all of the people I work for and with. Eat, be happy, and take a nap.

You want pumpkin pie with that?

I rarely eat fast food but today I got caught at work with no time so I went to Whataburger. Evidently, they sell pumpkin pie now. I guess maybe they are cashing in on the Halloween craze. Why is this Halloween holiday such a big deal that the employee that weighs 500 pounds must point out they sell pumpkin pie. "It's only 99 cents." Can I just get my preservatives and sodium and be on my way without being harassed? I hate advertising executives and I love them.

I hate the ones that come up with Toby Kieth and "This is our country" truck ads. I like the ones that came up with the double bubble butt and extra blubber ads. I hate that Subway continues to pound that assclown Jared, or Jarod, or whatever into my head. I'm still not buying no sammich in hopes of losing 470 million pounds. Workout and quit drinking soft drinks and the math works out in your favor. Only Whitey was fat in Leave it to Beaver, everybody else was skinny and had real ass pumkin pie at Mrs. Cleavers. Get it?

Maybe there isn't something there should be in the food, and maybe there is a whole lot of stuff there that shouldn't. I think by now you've heard that message. But then again, I know how tough it is to do the right thing in this culture. Must chase bucks to buy trucks, because after all our blubber asses aint gonna fit in no Pinto.

Weird Work Stuff

I hired a girl at work. She has a a big ring on her lip and wonders why people in Lubbock wont give her the time of day. No big deal, but I don't see how she has failed to make a connection. I hired a new guy this week with dime size holes in his ear with some sort of heavy duty plastic surrounding the hole that I suppose keeps it open. I asked, "does that hurt?" He said, "What?" I said, "the hole in your ear that I can see the back wall through." He smiled and said, "Yeah, sometimes."

Okay, I think to myself, if this is causing you pain and possibly a hinderence to your ability to sell food on commission, then maybe he might think of removing it. I'm guessing the hole isn't going to grow back, so screw it. No need to say anything. Like one of the "Bob's" said in Office Space. "He wont be recieving a check anymore, so it will just work itself out." SO instead of explaining my thought, I betrayed him and said, "Cool."

I work for one of those sales companies that promises the world in a 3 line want ad. It attracts some interesting characters. Hey, I answered it and look at me now. It's not like I'm doing blow on hookers asses on lear jet to Aculpulco (I wouldn't really do that.), but I'm getting ahead. Not sure anyone else is, and further, I am not sure I'm satisfied with that. Maybe it's best to avoid confrontations, and better yet remember that saying about the cover of a book. Or maybe that is just a cop out. Oh well, the checks don't bounce.

Don't you hate it when you had something extremely witty to type then you forget it?

I just did that.

"This is why I'm Hot"


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pVckVtf-7Lk

Watch this video, well maybe a few seconds of it. Ronnie G and I love this song. We like to change the lyrics. Like we sing together, "I forgot to pay my light bill...this is why I'm hot (repeat 40 times)"

So On and so on through the song.

"I wore a sweater in August...."

"I ran a marathon.."

It's shmarmy white people humor. I'm not going to pretend it isn't.

Coffee is for closers!

On the excuse for missing work front this week, we have had one Diabetes diagnosis and three children sick, but there is some good news. Remember the wife that got a fractured ankle? Miraculously, she came to the office without a cast or crutches to pick her husband up from work. She gave me the most curious look when I inquired about her health. Maybe the miracle cure had a side effect of abnesia. The heaps of bullshit I climb through require a body suit of false empathy.

In other businesses, I'm sure that type of behavior would yield a dismissal, but not here. Like pledging Flounder to Delta Chi in Animal House, "We need the dues." Speaking of fraternitites, I've been on quite a run selling meat to Greeks in the local area. I drive around neighborhoods looking for Greek letters on cars, pull in and exchange money for goods. I am more popular around the KA house now than I ever was in college. Finally, my affiliation is paying off. The guys want me to come out for the Margarita Bash with the Chi Omegas next weekend. Good times.

Positive "Mental" Attitude

It is amazing what the mind wonders off to if your not preoccupied with television and the state of affairs and court cases in Hollywood. I heard O.J. got arrested again. I don't care. I hear lots of things at the bar twice a week. My friends and I mostly talk about which 20 something young women are good looking and promiscuous. They all are, but evidently more attracted to the younger and less easy towards us. What do we really know? None of ever gives a real effort to find out. Besides, our bar reminds of the opening scene in King of the Hill with the dudes all lined up sipping beer and saying little. I'm not complaining. I've had more dates in the past three months than I've had in the last 5 years. This silver fox action on my head has some advantages.

It's just like that old saying about clubs. I don't want to join the ones that would have me as a member. That's a joke but there is truth in it. The truth is I just don't want to join the divorced with children club. I liken it to lost luggage on an airplane. One time a few years back, the airline delivered someones luggage to me and then refused to take it back. I finally traded for my stuff back, but only after a couple of weeks of hassle. Just last week I had to dump a woman I started dating a few weeks ago. 14 text messages a day with heart signs and kiss faces was just too much. (That is a huge red flag with the smiley face shaking its head.) The deal breaker is she would hang out at my bar waiting for me to come in, then would sit there and overindulge in public displays of affection. My friends were even embarrassed. What the real problem was is she was breaking our King of the Hill routine, and that simply cannot be done. I thought about changing my number and lying to her by giving her the Continental Airline baggage reclaim hot line, but that would be too mean. So I shot myself in the foot by ignoring her, but all that did was make her want me more.

Stories from the meat office.

I have an employee that works in the warehouse. His name is simply J. He is mentally retarded and can't read much beyond a third grade level. When I took over managing our office, I inherited his services. Honestly, he tries hard and he does do his best. I move past the fact that he can't count the inventory or keep a loading log straight, even though those are the two significant duties needed to fulfill the position. I keep him around for this reason. J likes to tell stories. J loves to tell the same story of a nude bar in Amarillo called The Jungle.

There is something hilarious about a goofy toothed Oklahoma native telling stories about strippers with chewing tabacco juice oozing from the canyon gaps between his teeth. I just remembered my mother reads this, so I will spare the details of the black stripper named "Cherry" and J. The stories always end with him giggling like a pre-pubescent male reading Penthouse forum letters. My wharehouse manager and I get a big kick out his musings. You just have to be here, which we are all the time.

I got this job because the last manager stole two nightly deposits over the Labor Day weekend and blew it on a crack binge. When I came back to work after the holiday, he hit me up for a $500 loan stating I would get in on the ground floor in a "business opputunity." I considered his application and decided that blowing my money on his crack habit was not a good investment, so I declined. He promptly left the office with his wife and two kids and I haven't seen him since. Such a shame, 10 years waiting on his big chance at management and he blew it in 4 weeks.

The manager before him had a crystal meth addiction. He took from the inventory to sell and had a habit of not accounting for the missing items. If your following along here kids, the moral is drugs make you do stupid shit that is bad for business.

The manager before crackhead and meth-man was just a crook. He was in Jesus band back in Oklahoma City, also the hometown of the previous two mentioned. He got fired after the 7th customer paid by check, manager cashes check, then manager doesn't deliver product. The first time would have been enough for me. I guess there really is some appeal to bass players afterall.

There was one before him but he quit to persue this business solo. I didn't get to know him well even though he hired me. In any case, its on me now.

Just yesterday, one of my new part time salesman stumbled upon a sale. He presented the meat and was paid with a forged check. The police got involved, but nothing will happen. We got screwed and some asshole is eating choice cut Angus steaks for free. I hope he chokes on the T-Bone.

Let me tell you about the run of bad luck incurred by my employees. Just this week we have had two cousins die in car accidents, and a brother die of cancer. One wife recieved a fractured ankle at work, and another simply had the flu. I feel like Vice Principal Ed Rooney in Ferris Bueller...."he's been absent NINE times!"

The true stories are the better than the fake ones, at least that is my experience thus far.

What's Happening Now?

I have been doing this new thing called working for a living. Less time for trivial boastings and opinion, so that should explain my absence. Hard to really determine when and how your life can change. It does, you do what you do, and so it goes until something happens again. One thing I've noticed and continued to take advantage of in my new career is: people are selfish. I guess I always thought of that as a negative trait, but so is judging other people. Since I have learned to apply that towards monetary benefit for myself. I've decided to re-evaluate selfish and judgement. It works out alot better when you are directly benefiting by the way.

In less that three months, I have moved from salesman, to the top salesman in my office, to the top salesman in the country, to the manager of my office. Quite a leap, especially for those of you following along in our home game. I just walked in off the street one day broke, and now I'm not. I can make it rain cash. That is a nice feeling to have even though I dont make it rain.

I turned 36 a month ago today. I feel pretty good about it. I got a good gig going, a humble but clean house to live in, and I always got the Maggie dog and my friends. The family has had a few rocky moments, but somehow i think that is all past and the best times are yet to come. Hell, I even broke down and bought a subscription to Pravda a few weeks back. That should tell you something. What is even better is that there were no phycholotrophic drugs involved. Good for me.

It is football season. I can't help it, but it is really dumb how it makes me feel better to know that the OU fans are crying, the UT fans are moaning, and A&M is in turmoil. Sure, we lost to Okie Lite. That sucked, but all the losses do. It helped we beat LSU Barber College by almost 70 points. Michael Crabtree. All the friends and I say to each other now is simply, "Five." Nothing else needs to be said after.



What happened to Twila?

She is still around doing the deal. So am I.

get off of my cloud

There must be some kind of way out of Lubbock, said the voter to the mayor. There is too much confusion, I can't get no satisfaction or property tax relief. Nevermind the big brother light cameras. If the Supreme Court can blatantly omit the comprehension of free speech. I suppose the City of Lubbock can justify ignoring rights and violation of probable cause. The current mayor may top the former one. Remember McDougal mayor, eminant domain, and McDougal Properties development? There is no need for worry, the courts will surely meet out justice. Think again. What's so funny? A local AM station manager said it was because the City Council was stacked with Democrats. Yeah right, and the Rangers won the World Series last year too.

I just got paid today, got me a pocket full of change that will be useless at the ZZTop concert next month. There is no beer today or any day, cause you can't buy beer at the Spirit Arena. I wish Gov. Perry was in bed with the beer lobby too. But hey, this is Texas and integration of church upon State is the rule and never the exception. Except when Rick took a contribution from the Pharmacuetical lobby, and when Jesus needs a Autobahn built by a company from Spain to ship goods from Mexico to Canada displacing the farmers by eminant domain with our money we don't have. The farmers fight for Rick Perry last fall, then he buries them like dead collies in the concrete of 'free' trade.
"That's what we get for electing a bunch of Democrats that were really disguised as Republicans." I said to the spinster of "conservative" values on the airwaves that bounce off the atmosphere. Next thing you know, Bush will decide to flip parties. Perhaps this nightmare is like a bad 'Scooby-Do' episode, where the bad guy was really Ralph Nader all along.