As the meat office turns

I'm training a new assistant manager. The motel owner where we "house" our transient employees called to complain about our new hires' family. Evidently, he has his wife, her brother and his wife, and a friend and his wife. So that's 6 adults by my count in one room. The motel owner also stated that they have 2 cats and 2 dogs. That's 10 heartbeats in the same hovel. JEEZ! The owner was gracious and said they had a day to move out.

I confronted the newbie about this predicament, to which he replied, "we canint afford no double room or nothin like that."

I said, "You should look into getting a house."

"WELP, what the fuck are they so upset about? Aint like they aint gettin thare money."

"True but they own the place and they want you out today."

"Thats bullshit, we paid, hell in Mississipi they caint do that shit."

"Welcome to Texas. I would start east of MLK on your house hunt."

Country opry

If they get dove hunting on Wii. I'm buying it. I have a bruise in the shape of West Virginia and the diameter of a soft ball on my shoulder. It does not feel as bad as it looks.

I shot 7 boxes of shells and killed 7 dove and 1 pidgeon. That is not very good. The new shotgun MUST be defective.

Meat office joke of the week:

Do you know what a wife does after she gets back from the battered woman's shelter?

The @#$%in dishes if she knows what is good for her.

Meat office drama of the week:

Our hero, let's just call him Steve because that is his name, has a new project. He is trying to help a 22 year old woman named Kristina get out of living at the crack house with no electricity or hot water. Basically, Steve wants her to move in with him. I reason that trading crack heads for one pot head might be a step up. I'm encouraging the union. There I go again, playing match maker. Steve laments to me every moment about Kristina when he is in my presence. It is a beat down.

There is more. Evidently, Kristina has 2 children in CPS custody and is trying to get them out. According to Steve, she has chosen to stay at the crack house because if she moves in with another man and changes addresses the CPS will not give her the children back. AT least that is her current excuse to Steve. I said, "I think she is just playing hard to get."

Week 1 of the NFL

The Cowboys have yet to kick off and I already feel the disinterest. Old habits do die hard, so I guess I can watch it and take a nap.

I like it that the Manly man song Everyday is like Sunday by Morrissey is used to promote the manly manliness of watching football.

Politics the way I see it

Sarah Palin is hawt. No doubt this has been pointed out already. She is kinda like a Warrant video. Republicans are smart....It's like hey, check this chick out in roller skates and forget that this song errr i mean our policies really suck. Speaking of Palin, Winger has a song called Seventeen and Palin has a pregnant daughter that is Seventeen. hmmmm....connection?

Conjugal Visit Update

Some of you may recall my band Conjugal Visits. If not, please feel free to read up on our history here. We have been in the studio writing and finishing up on an album originally called After Execution. However, it became clear that as a great band we were missing something. The Who had Tommy, The Beatles had Sgt. Peppers, and Pink Floyd had The Wall...etc.etc....the bottom line is we needed to do a rock opera that could be a cool album that could be made into a broadway musical then released as a motion picture at some point when we needed the extra cash.

After much discussion and argument, we decided to not make a rock opera but something completely new. We realized that we could be the first band to create a "country opry", as we coin it.

Its about an evil doer named Kody Teith from the fictional state of Okrahoma that uses bad music, truck commercials, and ghey cowboy hats to control the minds of the people to promote war. We are hoping that not only will it sell as a protest piece, but also find an audience with the towel heads "over thare" in Arabia that will enjoy it as a stereotype of Americans.

The album is called For Unlawful Kountry Tunes

Only floss the teeth you wish to keep.

I was on Liberally lean and that guy does nothing but tackle the serious issues. He is like the Donahue for the 21st century. I use to go there every day about 16 to 24 times and then I realized it was e-crack. So now I only go there once or twice, and that is only when I'm on the internet. Moderation.

Funny thing about our new Employee applications. One line in the education section says COLLAGE instead of COLLEGE. I shit you not. I will provide "vicual proff" of this some other time as I am violating several Hippa or whatever laws and storing these valuable treasures for my tell all masterpiece on the Meat Biz.

Speaking of the Biz. We had a guy pass out in his motel room over the weekend. Evidently, he tried to drill out his tooth with a drill from Home Depot. After he woke up, he went back to Home Depot and got his money back because he said it, "wasn't the right size." I informed him in the staff meeting this morning that there was this new thing in town called a dentist. It brought the house down. Oh that witty collage manager is "fookin funnier than hell." The Los Angeles Times gives my staff meetings 3 and one half stars....

If and when I get a YOUTUBE channel, I can promise it will be the bomb and the shizzle.

T

The reason for my absense? Why so long? What gives?

This is easy. I was transported through time by the Tralfamadorians to Tralfamadore. And so it goes...then I got briefly detained by the state of Texas because I got caught up in the Mormon cult thingy in Eldorado...but then this judge decided to uphold this old document called the Constitution of the United States of America. You may of heard of it, it used to be all the rage in the tabloids on the late 18th and early 19th century before more impotant things like Brittany's crotch and celebrities adopting foreign children of the sweat shop workers that make there $800 signature handbags and perfume. Where was I?

Oh yes, they said I had to go to rehab, but guess what I said? I said no. Then I said it again. But after I said it like 400 times a day. I just didn't want to hear it anymore. So now I just...I just sit around mostly....AND

I work back at the meat office.

Just yesterday I laughed all day long because we had a new guy come in and fill out an application. The question on the standardized form reads, Have you had any tickets or accidents in the last five years? If yes, please explain. New guy puts. "Ya." Then puts, "no enshorins". Of course, he went to "MHS" as he states on application. I hired him. As they say in Animal House, "we need the dues."

I have gone through a change. (nothing sexual, although I might be willing to learn iykwimaityd.) Whatever I would have written on here would have been serious and sometimes uplifting just meaningful stuff....and NOT the shmarmy sarcasm that you the single reader come to expect on this forum. They say you should fake it until you make it. But I never really understand that.

NOT the shmarmy sarcasm that you the single reader come to expect on this forum

I dont like hypocrites, especially when it is me. So this is the time in life to point fingers and keep score. The only rules are that you have to be in front of mirror to play. Got that? I know what your thinkin. There he goes again.....or man is that fucked up...or I'm glad that's not me. Unfortunately or fortunately, depending on the where and how of your circumstance of perpetual motion in time, you too can transport. So if you made it this far down without getting bored or moving on to bewbies.com or hateliberaltexans.org or doublefistedcashwhoringpoliticiansthathavegaysexatchurch.gov then I will let you behind the secret curtain of OZ.

I quit smoking over two months ago, then just for shakes and giggles, and believe me I was shakin......... I quit drinking. That was July 21st and despite the sentence structure and all over the place above, I haven't had a drink since.

SO. What have you guys been up to?

You're Hired!

Talent pays more than training, of that I am now convinced. I hired two normal males in the 28-30 year old range. They are rocking! It turns around that fast. Notice I stated 'normal'. Normal in this case means damn near Mormon without actually being Mormon. No tattoos, prior convictions, or substance abuse problems. They both have families. It's a great deal because they are not afraid to turn the wheels of commerce.

Cha-ching

Our rivals in Amarillo and Albuquerque both stated they would beat us here in Lubbock this week. If you added up their combined production, they missed winning by 100. Reminded me of this years football game against A&M. One of their player gauranteed a win. Tech 35 A&M 7.

Bill Clinton came to Lubbock

Never thought I would state this but I wish he was running. More than that, I wish Al Gore was running. There was a big crowd, but in the paper the next morning the pictures of the crowd in attendence looked like the cast from The Grapes of Wrath.

The Government is Broken

Step 1. File taxes.

Step 2. Get check from the 'stimulus package'

Step 3. Pay 40% more for goods and services.

Go look up on wikipedia the Weimar Republic. It worked out pretty good for them. I know, I know....some of you will think, that cant happen to us. This is America! Well, we have done this before in the latter half of the 1920's. The next thing that happened was called the Great Depression.

YADA, yada...Roger Clemens meet Karma.

I want to believe he didn't. I really do. Then I think, what does this matter? The Yankees cheat, OU cheats, the Patriots cheat. Makes it sweeter when the cheaters lose. Back to Roger. No Red Sox were mentioned in the Mitchell Report. hmmmm.

More Baseball

The Red Raiders start the new season on Friday afternoon. I will be there along with the other 15 people that care. Hopefully it will be better than last season. I have high hopes.

Knight

He quit on his team. I was disappointed in the facts and the spin more than anything. But now that it is done, I am happy we have Pat. The bottom line is until we can recruit more athletic players, it will be mediocre at best.

Druggie revisited

The owner of our company is big softie and hired the drug addict back. He promptly returned from a days work with the truck damaged. Evidently, he found time during his hectic day of scoring hits to sell some meat. I just dont know how he does it, but he must have composed himself between tweaks and winks to close a deal or three.

Nothing good will come of this....

Josephina Dirt brought her 15 year old daughter to work today. She said, "she has a project due for career day at school. is it ok if she rides with me and learns something."

Totally caught offguard and containing the inner laugh I replied, "ummmm yeah, well as long as she doesn't drive I'm ok with that."

"Oh she aint drivin on the highway, just going to follow along the street as I knock doors."

I'm thinking, what part of "as long as she doesn't drive" do you not understand.

"Ummm no, just let her tag along and help with the boxes."

They look at each other in the way that I just know they aren't going to comply. You know the look.

She flips her mane and says, "well okay."

Dude, it's Kashmir!

Stories from the Meat Office

We have a new Joe Dirt, except this one is a woman. Picture Kentucky waterfall hairdo on a skinny chick that likes old fast cars. I swear, I am not making this up.

The best part is, that with her we have FINALLY been able to crack into the goldmine of business in and around trailer park communities. Thats right people! Don't judge. The first thing you need to know about trailer parks is, these people have a surprising amount of disposable income. Second, they have a big appetite for great steak. It's January and most people are recieving their tax refund checks so its party time. I love America!

When one doors opens, another closes...or something like that. While we added a bright new star to our team, we lost another. Our recovering crack/meth/alcoholic hit on the wrong door (evidently a crack house), and he was promptly tempted and obliged. Then amazingly, he went on a selling spree that crashed and burned out last week. I had to fire him the other night for attempting to sell our company truck and stealing company money. Such a shame because I thought he was going to beat it. WRONG. But through his difficult trials to come in coping with addiction, I hope he learns one thing. In America, only the government can sell something they dont own and you damn sure can't sell a meat truck to a car lot in Lubbock, without a clear title.

Moving On

I am major pumped about a new bowling shirt my mom got me on her visit to Graceland. It's badass, and if you see me at Fox wearing it, YOU will say something cool to me. That's what I like about it the most. Not that it looks good on me, but it brings a good positive vibe over people around me. Isn't that cool?


Say Anything clip

The Dirt Doctor and the funny stuff you like to read here

I am preparing for a big garden. I was actually doing the plan today and researching some stuff online when I ran across The Dirt Doctor.

http://www.dirtdoctor.com/newhome.php

Things that surprise me about this site.

1. The Dirt Doctor is a Tech grad.

2. He has been on the radio for some time...IN D-FW. I haven't been paying attention.

3. The Forums are lively with discussion, which is nice because I have conflicting advice on gardening so far.


Kingfish Garden Items

Vegetables:

3 varieties of tomatoes (roma, beefsteak, and something else)
squash
corn
okra
black eyed peas
spinach
carrots
broccoli
onions

Herbs:

basil
oregano
3 types of hot peppers (Serrano, Anaheim, and something else not habanjero)
bell peppers (green and red)
garlic
cilantro
chives
mustard greens

I WANT A MINIATURE DONKEY!!!!!

I wonder if it is against city ordinance. I wonder if I can get a farm exemption. I wonder if the donkey will tear shit up. What good can come of this, other than having a mini donkey around. Probably wont happen, but I am thinking of making an addition to our small family here. Maggie (thats my dog) is getting older and I think another dog might help keep here on her toes.

I have my heart set on either a German Shepherd or a Boston Terrier or both. The problem is more dogs equals more problems, such as feeding and care. But nevertheless, I am jealous of my friend Todd. He has a Boston Terrier named Yoda. I call him Yaz, because I am a Red Sox fan and I think all dogs of this breed should be named after Red Sox baseball players. Somebody cool out there has a Boston Terrier named Curt or Manny or Popi. I might go with Ted. If you dont get it, then you just dont.

As for German Shepherds, we have always had great luck with this breed in my family. In fact, Maggie is half German and half Border Collie. Would kill to have another dog like her again in this lifetime, but its hard to exceed perfect. With that thought, I may just stand pat with the old Maggie Dog and stop with her after she is gone. Boy I hate to think about that, but one day there will be no more Maggie. I always wondered how much money I would have to cough up to get her cloned. Much cheaper to get a taxidermist involved......AND...

Why not get her stuffed! After all, people get animals stuffed after they shot them. Weird how they never lived with the animal or even gave it a name, but instead shot it and now have it prominantly hung over the fireplace. Nothing wrong with that, right? Then why would it be wierd to have a much beloved family pet stuffed? "Yep, that's old Scraps over there...we got him posed that way cause he loved to piss on the geraniums....and over thare's Fifi...damn poodle loved to hump the chair."

What's up at the Meat Office?

Other than getting two trucks repo'd and firing 6 people, nothing much. I hear the Christmas party was a huge success (out for personal reasons). Success being defined as only two folks were strung out on hallucinagenic and psycolotrophic narcotics. Other than that, there was nothing more than your average copying your ass on the Xerox type banter and fun. In abstentia, I got a plaque that said TOP SALESMAN. I got it the other day and I was so proud of myself until I found out that 8 other people got the same plaque. I wonder if that would look good on a resume?

Got a phone call from a guy that was looking for work, so I booked him an interview.

He asked, "Do you accept felonies?"

I said, "depends on what kind..is it like a murder or rape type felony? or an average type theft felony?"

"Which one do you accept?"

I said, "well tell me, do you have a driver's liscence?"

"no man, they takes it away cause I aint paid up my child support."

"hmmmm...well, I am sorry for the confusion but I thought it was clear from the ad that we needed driver's."

"ya well, I just wanted to make sure."

"Thanks for coming in..good luck"

In my mind I hear the voice of Lumbergh....UMMMM YEAH OKAY.

The AD in Pravda said plainly, Driver's wanted...work today get paid today..etc, etc.

Coffee is for closers!

On the excuse for missing work front this week, we have had one Diabetes diagnosis and three children sick, but there is some good news. Remember the wife that got a fractured ankle? Miraculously, she came to the office without a cast or crutches to pick her husband up from work. She gave me the most curious look when I inquired about her health. Maybe the miracle cure had a side effect of abnesia. The heaps of bullshit I climb through require a body suit of false empathy.

In other businesses, I'm sure that type of behavior would yield a dismissal, but not here. Like pledging Flounder to Delta Chi in Animal House, "We need the dues." Speaking of fraternitites, I've been on quite a run selling meat to Greeks in the local area. I drive around neighborhoods looking for Greek letters on cars, pull in and exchange money for goods. I am more popular around the KA house now than I ever was in college. Finally, my affiliation is paying off. The guys want me to come out for the Margarita Bash with the Chi Omegas next weekend. Good times.