Conjugal Visits announce reunion

At last, I am proud to announce that my band Conjugal Visits has decided to reunite for a New Years Eve gig at the Fox and Hound in Lubbock, TX. We have been jamming together for a couple of weeks now, and have put together some new tunes to go along with our normal lineup for the show.

For those of you that don't remember or have simply forgot, here is a rundown of our triumphant and somewhat tumultuous past. My musical career started out when a few young lads from my neighborhood started a cover group called, John McEnroe tennis racket Air Guitar Supply. We played a few living rooms and backyard barbecues in the late 70's and early 80's. One evening, we were playing the Sheriff's office wife swap bash when our tape recorder batteries went dead. Suddenly, everyone realized that it wasn't us, but a recording made with a microphone of Solid Gold. Solid Gold was a show hosted by Marilyn McCoo that spat out the top hits on the chart every week. Our brief but successful career was over and we parted ways.

Later in college, I was on Spring Break at South Padre Island when I was introduced to the magical sounds of C&C Music Factory and the duo group Milli Vanilli. I remember it now as a turning point in my voyage through life. I was passed out in a port-a-shitter next to a tequila bar one morning when through the vents I heard the notes that would change my life forever..."buh buh buh....buh buh buh..BABY..dont forget my NUMBER" I was like, yeah man..thats the shit! and where am I?....is this heaven?...did I O.D? Then next I heard THIS.

I was mistakenly sure I was indeed in heaven, but it wasn't like the preacher described back at church. Surely God had more money than to have the gates of heaven be a plastic door to a chemically hygiene toilet. Anyway, I soon discovered that I wasn't dead but that God had given me a second chance, and with that chance I needed to do something with my life to make it meaningful. After all, I didn't want to die alone without making some kind of 15 minute mark.

So I struck back for home, but before I could get on the road, I took one last trip to Mexico. That night, I got arrested by the Federalies at the border for smuggling street tacos and extra strength no doze. Everyone knows they dont need a reason. But Lo and behold, God sent another sign. In the Matamoros jail, I ran into my old pal from the John McEnroe tennis racket Air Guitar Supply days. It was none other than TR (TR stands for Tape recorder) Roger. We talked for hours about our lives. I found out that TR Rog had been working at various brothels and titty bars along the border perfecting his skills. He called it "two tape recorders and a microphone." I was like, "Dude, that's exactly what I have been looking for." Thus Conjugal Visits was born. I'd rather not say how we came up with the name of the band, it's not as cool as you might think.

We started almost immediately plotting our conquest. You may remember our first album. We released it as an import on our independent label Aborted Inc. It was simply called, Conjugal Visits. We had a small hit and got some airplay with our Reggae remake of No Woman No Cry. TR Rog would mix in some Ratt Round and Round over the part where the back up singers are supposed to sing "no WOman no Cry." Our fans loved it but the Boquillas Times critic didn't see it that way at all, stating "the results of Conjugal Visits should be aborted, not incorparted." I, of course, responded in the editorial page with a letter. It said,

Dear Critic,

You misspelled Incorporated.

MC White Chocolate

Undeterred, Rog and I added another band member that we met after opening at karaoke night at Speeds pool hall. We knew we needed a female that would wear a leather bra and a mini skirt. She called herself Yummy. She was a part time stripper and was studying cosmetics at a local university. Her voice was like a constipated monkey on acid, and what resulted was the birth of Gothic music, at least that is what the insert of our vinyl limited edition remix album said. Rog recorded the sound of dolphins having sex under water from an old VHS of Mutual of Omahas Wild Kingdom. From that, Yummy would screech "I feel dirty! Put some soap on me!" Then I would be background singing, "let's get it on", just like a white guy singing Marvin Gaye. Looking back, I believe that hit from Chamillionaire probably was inspired by us.

It was about that time when Operation Desert Storm and Desert Shield was going, or maybe it was the other way around, anyway...war was in the air. Yummy and I convinced Rog we needed to do a protest album. Looking back, Weapons of Mass Destruction was way before its time. We did a live kazoo cover of Bob Dylan's Subterranean Homesick Blues WITHOUT the words. Admittedly, it didn't come off well on the album, but was a huge hit with the crowd at our gigs at that time. Another big hit for us was Why Can't we be trade Food for Oil to the tune of Why Cant we be Friends by War. We were sure this was going to be our breakthrough, but disappointing sales and the short duration of the war led to a shakeup in the band.

Yummy decided to go solo and Rog and I then hooked up with an actual musician that played organ at a small church. His name was Anal Roberts. (insert snicker here) From those jam sessions with Anal, we recorded several tracks that were originally on our unreleased Gospel album, Conjugal Visits Religion, then later found public domain on the greatest hits LP, Conjugal Visits Revisited. The best track of those being our tribute cover to Madonna's Papa don't Preach. When we recorded that song in the studio, it was engineered so only the trained ear can hear the sound of Rog playing the original Star Trek theme in the background when you play it backwards. Pretty damn cool.

From that point, we felt that as a band and as artists, we had reached a pinnacle that could not be surpassed. DJ Roger broke all ties and got a job with the National Security Agency. Anal Roberts left the country for Africa and tried missionary work, but it wasn't a fit. He later came back and got into pharmaceutical sales. I started and failed many other tribute band projects after the Conjugal breakup. My rap group C.W.A. (Crackers With AK-47's) had a small following in parts of Alabama and Mississippi but never took off on the big stage. I fell into a 10 year depression without my mates.

To everyone's surprise, Yummy and Anal had met on a networking personal website and began to date. They grew into love and decided to get married just last month. At the reception, TR Rog and I were coaxed into getting onstage and perform with Anal and Yummy. All of the old stuff just poured out and we knew that we had all found what we had been missing all these years.

Our new album is tentatively called Conjugal Visits: After Execution. I have included some statements below from yesterday's press conference announcing our comeback.

MC White Chocolate "We have decided to only cover dead artists on this album because, as a group, we were dead. In many ways, we can never be the band we once were, but by doing only songs by the dead, they and us..... can still speak today."

Yummy, "its not like were this old band that got back together to do just reunion shows together, we also want to say that we can make another album, maybe not as good as the ones you used to buy and like, but maybe you'll buy this one and hope it is as good as the old ones that were good, you know what I'm saying."

TR Roger "Recorded music re-recorded still has an audience man. We do want to prove that we can still record in that way.... because that is the essence that made us the art in artistic ways that no other people thought possible."

Anal "I just want to say that I am in pharmaceuticals...you know..and we were..in our time...just like the generic drugs that are sold today..accept we are in music you know."


Random reporter, "What about the new audience and generation that have never heard of you, how will you sell in the Internet driven media?"

MC White "Let me just answer that by saying this. We originated pirating others music and passing it off as our own."



Our show lineup for New Years Eve:

Gonna Make You Sweat (Sanford and Son theme mix)
Hawaii 5-O / CHiPs theme interpretive dance
Papa Don't Preach
Subterranean Homesick Blues
Lost in Love/ Folsom Prison Blues mix
Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald (video bouncing ball sing along)
A Capella Kashmir
Baby Don't Forget My Number/ Girl, I'm gonna miss you/ Oops, I Did it again (light show mix)
Dukes of Hazzard theme in spoken word


Hope to see you at the show and may you have a Conjugal Visits New Year!