Country opry

If they get dove hunting on Wii. I'm buying it. I have a bruise in the shape of West Virginia and the diameter of a soft ball on my shoulder. It does not feel as bad as it looks.

I shot 7 boxes of shells and killed 7 dove and 1 pidgeon. That is not very good. The new shotgun MUST be defective.

Meat office joke of the week:

Do you know what a wife does after she gets back from the battered woman's shelter?

The @#$%in dishes if she knows what is good for her.

Meat office drama of the week:

Our hero, let's just call him Steve because that is his name, has a new project. He is trying to help a 22 year old woman named Kristina get out of living at the crack house with no electricity or hot water. Basically, Steve wants her to move in with him. I reason that trading crack heads for one pot head might be a step up. I'm encouraging the union. There I go again, playing match maker. Steve laments to me every moment about Kristina when he is in my presence. It is a beat down.

There is more. Evidently, Kristina has 2 children in CPS custody and is trying to get them out. According to Steve, she has chosen to stay at the crack house because if she moves in with another man and changes addresses the CPS will not give her the children back. AT least that is her current excuse to Steve. I said, "I think she is just playing hard to get."

Week 1 of the NFL

The Cowboys have yet to kick off and I already feel the disinterest. Old habits do die hard, so I guess I can watch it and take a nap.

I like it that the Manly man song Everyday is like Sunday by Morrissey is used to promote the manly manliness of watching football.

Politics the way I see it

Sarah Palin is hawt. No doubt this has been pointed out already. She is kinda like a Warrant video. Republicans are smart....It's like hey, check this chick out in roller skates and forget that this song errr i mean our policies really suck. Speaking of Palin, Winger has a song called Seventeen and Palin has a pregnant daughter that is Seventeen. hmmmm....connection?

Conjugal Visit Update

Some of you may recall my band Conjugal Visits. If not, please feel free to read up on our history here. We have been in the studio writing and finishing up on an album originally called After Execution. However, it became clear that as a great band we were missing something. The Who had Tommy, The Beatles had Sgt. Peppers, and Pink Floyd had The Wall...etc.etc....the bottom line is we needed to do a rock opera that could be a cool album that could be made into a broadway musical then released as a motion picture at some point when we needed the extra cash.

After much discussion and argument, we decided to not make a rock opera but something completely new. We realized that we could be the first band to create a "country opry", as we coin it.

Its about an evil doer named Kody Teith from the fictional state of Okrahoma that uses bad music, truck commercials, and ghey cowboy hats to control the minds of the people to promote war. We are hoping that not only will it sell as a protest piece, but also find an audience with the towel heads "over thare" in Arabia that will enjoy it as a stereotype of Americans.

The album is called For Unlawful Kountry Tunes

Excuses, excuses, at the meat office.

This is just from this morning.

1. "I have to go to school and pick up my daughter. Theys says she got head lice.", says guy with permed mullet.

2. "Man I got a blowout in Lorenzo, you want me to come in tommorrow instead?".......I reply, "No, just get her fixed and come on in."..."hmmm ohhh okay. lemme do that."

3. "Sorry Im late. I took a wrong turn and now I'm by the airport." says the warehouse manager that has worked here for 7 months.

4. Blowout in Lorenzo calls back, "I kaint make it thare til later. They say they kaint get to me til later." Frustrated I say, "Well, just take tommorrow off too then call me on Monday and I will let you know if I need you to come in."

Preseason breakdown

This is a blanket analysis which covers all my favorite teams

It all depends on different things if we are going to win this season. It depends on if our offense scores when it has the ball. It also depends on whether our defense can stop other teams from scoring. It depends sometimes on whether our defense can score. Occasionally, it comes down to kicking game and special teams.

Coaching can make a difference. Play calling, organization, and preparation are keys to success. Often player execution can get overlooked, but it is a major factor in the success of a season. I figure if we have all of that, then we can win, especially if we are better than the other team and score the most points.

Predictions

Decatur Eagles: State Champs

We're due. We would win the whole deal for sure if we would go back to the cool "D" emblem with the sinister eye in the center of the D.



Texas Tech Red Raiders: National Champs or at least Big 12 Champs or maybe just a good bowl game.

I will will into reality with my Vulcan mind trick I learned at Scout camp.



Dallas Cowboys: Super Bowl Champions

Jerry is negotiating with Usain Bolt.

Only floss the teeth you wish to keep.

I was on Liberally lean and that guy does nothing but tackle the serious issues. He is like the Donahue for the 21st century. I use to go there every day about 16 to 24 times and then I realized it was e-crack. So now I only go there once or twice, and that is only when I'm on the internet. Moderation.

Funny thing about our new Employee applications. One line in the education section says COLLAGE instead of COLLEGE. I shit you not. I will provide "vicual proff" of this some other time as I am violating several Hippa or whatever laws and storing these valuable treasures for my tell all masterpiece on the Meat Biz.

Speaking of the Biz. We had a guy pass out in his motel room over the weekend. Evidently, he tried to drill out his tooth with a drill from Home Depot. After he woke up, he went back to Home Depot and got his money back because he said it, "wasn't the right size." I informed him in the staff meeting this morning that there was this new thing in town called a dentist. It brought the house down. Oh that witty collage manager is "fookin funnier than hell." The Los Angeles Times gives my staff meetings 3 and one half stars....

If and when I get a YOUTUBE channel, I can promise it will be the bomb and the shizzle.

T

The reason for my absense? Why so long? What gives?

This is easy. I was transported through time by the Tralfamadorians to Tralfamadore. And so it goes...then I got briefly detained by the state of Texas because I got caught up in the Mormon cult thingy in Eldorado...but then this judge decided to uphold this old document called the Constitution of the United States of America. You may of heard of it, it used to be all the rage in the tabloids on the late 18th and early 19th century before more impotant things like Brittany's crotch and celebrities adopting foreign children of the sweat shop workers that make there $800 signature handbags and perfume. Where was I?

Oh yes, they said I had to go to rehab, but guess what I said? I said no. Then I said it again. But after I said it like 400 times a day. I just didn't want to hear it anymore. So now I just...I just sit around mostly....AND

I work back at the meat office.

Just yesterday I laughed all day long because we had a new guy come in and fill out an application. The question on the standardized form reads, Have you had any tickets or accidents in the last five years? If yes, please explain. New guy puts. "Ya." Then puts, "no enshorins". Of course, he went to "MHS" as he states on application. I hired him. As they say in Animal House, "we need the dues."

I have gone through a change. (nothing sexual, although I might be willing to learn iykwimaityd.) Whatever I would have written on here would have been serious and sometimes uplifting just meaningful stuff....and NOT the shmarmy sarcasm that you the single reader come to expect on this forum. They say you should fake it until you make it. But I never really understand that.

NOT the shmarmy sarcasm that you the single reader come to expect on this forum

I dont like hypocrites, especially when it is me. So this is the time in life to point fingers and keep score. The only rules are that you have to be in front of mirror to play. Got that? I know what your thinkin. There he goes again.....or man is that fucked up...or I'm glad that's not me. Unfortunately or fortunately, depending on the where and how of your circumstance of perpetual motion in time, you too can transport. So if you made it this far down without getting bored or moving on to bewbies.com or hateliberaltexans.org or doublefistedcashwhoringpoliticiansthathavegaysexatchurch.gov then I will let you behind the secret curtain of OZ.

I quit smoking over two months ago, then just for shakes and giggles, and believe me I was shakin......... I quit drinking. That was July 21st and despite the sentence structure and all over the place above, I haven't had a drink since.

SO. What have you guys been up to?

Keepin it Flat

This logic should be familiar.

Final Four fictitious quote:

“I’d like to thank Jesus Christ, Vishnu, Mohammed, and the Dali Lama for my performance tonight. I thank Jesus cause hey….it’s Jesus..know what I’m saying. I thank Vishnu for my under the backboard layups cause I think he helps me switch arms in mid air…hes has a lot of arms that Vishnu. Then my peeps are always saying that I can bomb threes from mid court like Mohammed can bomb. Plus, I been kicked off this team like the Dali Lama got thrown out of Tibet, cept I got to come back…maybe if the Lama could play ball the Chinks would let him back on too.”

And starting at power forward, a 5’6 senior from Lhasa, Tibet, his holiness the Dali Lama.

Random ESPN pundit “it all comes down to who can make shots…if the Lama can dribble penetrate the Carolina D and kick out to his monks for some good looks around the arc, then I look for them to advance.”

And another random ESPN pundit, “I spoke to the Lama about this game at the shoot around on Tuesday and he answered some of his critics that say he incited a riot on his own team…he said that’s all behind them now and they are focused on winning by non-violent means.”

By the way….

Our new goat ropers we recruited to play football in Lubbock are even bigger than the goat ropers we recruited last year. I got a chance to go to Tech practice the other day and I can report that the DEFENSE…yes, I said defense…looks good.





After Monday, all we got left is the Masters. I love the Masters. Tweet tweet…tweet tweet…thwack…clap clap clap….que the soft piano music and the gentle voice of Jim Nantz…

I also love the golfer introductions at the first tee…(thick southern drawl) “and on the tee from Key Biscayne, Florida the (insert Championships won and year..this may take a while)…TiGUH WOODS…clap clap clap.



After Sunday night…all that is cool in sports is over until August…cept the Red-Black game.

Nascar race in Ft. Worth this weekend

This picture comes from Liberally Lean.

BEES

I put most of garden in the ground yesterday. I used an aerator I rented from Home Depot. Cost about $50 for 24 hour rental. The rest of the plot and rows I prepared by hand. The onions and garlic I put in the ground about 10 days ago. Yesterday, I decided to gamble that we would not get another freeze here in the Hub, so in the ground went 3 varieties of peppers, 4 varieties of tomatoes, sweet corn, green and yellow squash, spinach, okra, cucumbers, and 2 varieties of beans.

I have herbs left to plant. Everything but the tomatoes and peppers I did from seed.

All I have left to do is flowers. I am going to plant a great deal of flowers that are organic....yes, organic. You see, I have been fascinated by the reports of the decline in honey bees. Fascinated and concerned. From what I have read, the bees do better with a variety of pollen producing flowers. There is also some concern that the genetically engineered plants aren't very healthy for bees. There is some concern that they aren't very healthy for people either.

Gasoline...higher food prices...bee decline...even higher food prices equals time to turn lemons into lemonade.

If you aren't aware, honey bees pollinate a great deal of the fruits and vegetables that we all eat.

Here is what I'm thinking. I am going to build a bee habitat.

“If the bee disappeared off the surface of the globe then man would only have four years of life left. No more bees, no more pollination, no more plants, no more animals, no more man.”

-Albert Einstein

Slaughterhouse Five

On my trip back home from Decatur, I listened to Slaughterhouse Five by Kurt Vonnegut on audio via CD. (Ethan Hawke does an amazing job on this.) It was great. I am definitely going to experience more books in this way.

Decatur

What Decatur really needs is a Barnes and Noble and a Costco and the cycle of Planoization will be complete. PROGRESS indeed!

Ponderosa Bar B Que

If your ever out Dickens way, be sure and grab some of this grub. Good people and excellent authentic Texan cuisine. Were talkin if you knew this was your last meal this is what you want good.

To whomever was doing the Seymour Lady Indians softball radio broadcast Friday night,

You guys need to bottle that up and sell it nationwide. Good stuff.

Guthrie bypass

Thank God it is almost done! The damn traffic in that town rivals the 405 in L.A. PROGRESS indeed! (I think "they" saw what happened to Austin in a decade and "they" aint gonna have that shit up in Guthrie by God.)

No Country for Old Men

I was having an almost perfect weekend. Old friends, family, pleasant and good times. Great ride there, great ride back, everything is all good. So I'm sitting with my locale buds at the gettin beer place. We are winding down and close to going home as we are discussing movies. I say Michael Clayton was cool. blah blah... I am Legend..blah blah.. Then outta nowhere K says, "Dont watch that No countree for ole men movee...it sucks!"

I say, "O'rly" (I am a huge fan of this movie and all that is Coen Brothers....as if you can't tell.)

K says, "I like that one dude with the cowboy hat and the monee...then all the sudden hees deaad..don know wha happen..what thee heell is tha?...and tha ending aint no ending."

Now R is looking at me and I am giving that look back that says this fucking guy is an illiteretard ....even though he is entitled to his opinion... even though it totally sucks. You know what I'm sayin?

Friday all over the place

-Business is good. I thought that making more money would make me happy and as it turns out, I was right. Like a rolling stone in reverse going uphill, now that i have something to lose I don't want to lose it.

-Helmut got back from his Ireland-Wales-Scotland trip. He said that the hookers over there are hotter than the American hookers here. Further proof that the United States is falling behind the rest of the world. Thanks for the Guinness hat:)

-Ron should get an Elvis jumpsuit and fat shades and just live his life walking around like that.

-Texas Tech baseball radio broadcasters are terrible. SO far this season, they have spent most of their time explaining how much "insider" information they know about Tech athletics. Which is great if that's what gets you off. As for me, I would like to know THE SCORE and the situation updated pitch by pitch....i.e. Baseball game announcing. I told their boss last night that I would still listen. I am not going to name names here, but a reliable inside source at the radio station confirmed just last night that they are training a chimp and a three year old to take over next season. For $139 dollars you too can get the rest of the scoop.

-The Big Dance-March Mayhem-Madness-Mania update. If Texas makes it to the final game , and Davidson wins tonight but loses Sunday, and UMass advances to the third place game of the NIT, then I can get in the tie breaker for 4th place. Damn Duke screwed me.

-Jericho got canceled AGAIN. I got into the show 3 weeks ago. Basically, the show is about a big company staging a nuclear "terrorist" attack on the U.S. and using this to take over the government...blah, blah, blah....that'll never happen. Hey CBS...what happened to all of the Hispanics? Did they die?

-Finally, Kinsey is the coolest person in Lubbock County next to Ron if he indeed decides to spend his life in an Elvis jumsuit with fat shades.

Suit UP or Shut UP!

Liberally Lean

(dont worry wisereunion.com...I'm bringing my own rope...I'm coming home just to see you:)

Please pay attention to the anonymous soldier comment. No one can be for certain how authentic it is, but I believe this is one of our own in Iraq, and it gives me great patriotic pride to know that this person wears the uniform and is unafraid to state his (or her) mind. May you get home and live a long and happy life!


As for the rest of it. Please read and enjoy this classic by John Conlee.

Hey Ron!

Funny or Die

Green Team and Ron Burgundy's interviews are cool. Will Ferrell and anything with the little girl named Pearl is genius.

I'd Rather Eat Arby's Out of an Old Man's Butthole

This is one of the funniest things I have ever read.

I'd Rather Eat Arby's Out of an Old Man's Butthole

Love that money..yow!

Dear Lord baby Jesus, or as our brothers in the south call you, "Jezus," we thank you so much for this bountiful harvest of Dominos, KFC, and the always delicious Taco Bell. I just want to take time to say thank you for my family. My two beautiful, beautiful, handsome striking sons, Walker, and Texas Ranger, or TR as we call him. And of course my red hot smokin' wife Carley, who is a stone cold fox.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zKDC2iBQTYg&NR=1

Cruisin down the street in my 64

Shatner's birthday

There are two kinds of people in this world. There are Chuck Norris fans and there are Shatners. I'm a Shatner.

There are distinctions between the two. Chuck Norris peeps watch Conan(which is ghey)...are toothpaste tube roller uppers, and make up retarded comments about the stock market and economy. "The Feds going to have to bail us out again."....whatever Dude...Usually, but not always...the Norris peeps majored in something completely boring in college like Accounting. They also have Creed songs on their Ipod and think its cool to put the headphones to your ear and make you listen. Ya and also they still say 'brah' and 'wasssss up' and put their arms in the air during football games 'dont leave me hangin...BRAH.'

Shatner has followers. In fact, if Shatner started a religion (which he should) it would be bigger than Elvis. Especially after Shatner intervenes on the Earth's behalf in 2012 and stops the Mayan apocalypse, which I read last night is being covered up by the government to avoid a global panic. No PANIC HERE....Shatner is on it!

Want more proof? Who is the better cop? Walker: Texas Ranger (which is totally offensive to real Texans and real Texas Rangers by the way) or T. J. Hooker. Just look at the opening credits of each show and hands down its Hooker.
Who is the better badass? Some movie about death karate or Star Trek? There is no contest. Shatner does the babes, whups the Romulans and Klingons ass at the same time, and still has energy left over to 5 movies. When will the Walker movie be out? Exactly.

Norris does a nice job of pitching home gyms, i will give him that...still not even half the salesman Shatner is. Priceline.com versus 12 second abs...See?

This post was supposed to be about William Shatner turning 77. He does today.

My Saturday in Lubbock

First, I went to the mall EARLY. It was great not having to wade through the throngs of illegals buying faux gold longhorn chains and pimping their cell phones at the cell phone pimping kiosk. I shit you not people...they gots that here!

I was done at Dilliards by 11:30. I was lucky to find the one polo left that didn't look like it was designed by the rap group Kriss Kross. ALL I want is a blue shirt, small red horse on pocket...not that hard. It was until i got some help. Thanks to the coolest salesperson I was able to get my dealio and get out before the Goliad reinactment took place...ya, ya...i know..I being back handed...so what.

I watched the Longhorns beat the land theives in basketball with the Maggie dawg. She is slowing down but doing great.

I met up with Plecker at Bash's about 3:30. I had a bloody mary and taught a 20 something Co-ed how to operate a vintage jukebox. I played Jump by Kriss Kross. It was wickity wickity wickity wack. I love Bash's. It is the ultimate in people watching. I stayed there quite a while. Plecker took off for a kid birthday party. I felt bad for him. Kid birthday parties are the suckage....unless your the kid.

About 8pm, I met the other three Democrats in Lubbock County. Very good times! The mom, daughter, boyfriend trio was full of great stuff. We hit it off immediately and talked for hours. Then they convinced me to go to a house party in Tech Terrace. It was quite a scene. Kids drinking beer and picking guitar. I got hit up for a beer run. I felt like I was back in school for a while. We were the only people dancing. I was the oldest male there.

The night ended sorta bad. I was dancing with the daughter and boyfriend got jealous. So they had a little spat but nothing major. So we all left. It was too bad for me, I really liked that one.

I had a Josie's juevos ranchero burrito on the way home. Somewhere in all that I managed to win a trivia game and beat my alltime high score at Galaga.

Gary Stewart is the greatest honky tonk singer of all time

Fun with addletters

Raider Power is having some fun with it.