You want pumpkin pie with that?

I rarely eat fast food but today I got caught at work with no time so I went to Whataburger. Evidently, they sell pumpkin pie now. I guess maybe they are cashing in on the Halloween craze. Why is this Halloween holiday such a big deal that the employee that weighs 500 pounds must point out they sell pumpkin pie. "It's only 99 cents." Can I just get my preservatives and sodium and be on my way without being harassed? I hate advertising executives and I love them.

I hate the ones that come up with Toby Kieth and "This is our country" truck ads. I like the ones that came up with the double bubble butt and extra blubber ads. I hate that Subway continues to pound that assclown Jared, or Jarod, or whatever into my head. I'm still not buying no sammich in hopes of losing 470 million pounds. Workout and quit drinking soft drinks and the math works out in your favor. Only Whitey was fat in Leave it to Beaver, everybody else was skinny and had real ass pumkin pie at Mrs. Cleavers. Get it?

Maybe there isn't something there should be in the food, and maybe there is a whole lot of stuff there that shouldn't. I think by now you've heard that message. But then again, I know how tough it is to do the right thing in this culture. Must chase bucks to buy trucks, because after all our blubber asses aint gonna fit in no Pinto.

Weird Work Stuff

I hired a girl at work. She has a a big ring on her lip and wonders why people in Lubbock wont give her the time of day. No big deal, but I don't see how she has failed to make a connection. I hired a new guy this week with dime size holes in his ear with some sort of heavy duty plastic surrounding the hole that I suppose keeps it open. I asked, "does that hurt?" He said, "What?" I said, "the hole in your ear that I can see the back wall through." He smiled and said, "Yeah, sometimes."

Okay, I think to myself, if this is causing you pain and possibly a hinderence to your ability to sell food on commission, then maybe he might think of removing it. I'm guessing the hole isn't going to grow back, so screw it. No need to say anything. Like one of the "Bob's" said in Office Space. "He wont be recieving a check anymore, so it will just work itself out." SO instead of explaining my thought, I betrayed him and said, "Cool."

I work for one of those sales companies that promises the world in a 3 line want ad. It attracts some interesting characters. Hey, I answered it and look at me now. It's not like I'm doing blow on hookers asses on lear jet to Aculpulco (I wouldn't really do that.), but I'm getting ahead. Not sure anyone else is, and further, I am not sure I'm satisfied with that. Maybe it's best to avoid confrontations, and better yet remember that saying about the cover of a book. Or maybe that is just a cop out. Oh well, the checks don't bounce.

Don't you hate it when you had something extremely witty to type then you forget it?

I just did that.

"This is why I'm Hot"


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pVckVtf-7Lk

Watch this video, well maybe a few seconds of it. Ronnie G and I love this song. We like to change the lyrics. Like we sing together, "I forgot to pay my light bill...this is why I'm hot (repeat 40 times)"

So On and so on through the song.

"I wore a sweater in August...."

"I ran a marathon.."

It's shmarmy white people humor. I'm not going to pretend it isn't.

Coffee is for closers!

On the excuse for missing work front this week, we have had one Diabetes diagnosis and three children sick, but there is some good news. Remember the wife that got a fractured ankle? Miraculously, she came to the office without a cast or crutches to pick her husband up from work. She gave me the most curious look when I inquired about her health. Maybe the miracle cure had a side effect of abnesia. The heaps of bullshit I climb through require a body suit of false empathy.

In other businesses, I'm sure that type of behavior would yield a dismissal, but not here. Like pledging Flounder to Delta Chi in Animal House, "We need the dues." Speaking of fraternitites, I've been on quite a run selling meat to Greeks in the local area. I drive around neighborhoods looking for Greek letters on cars, pull in and exchange money for goods. I am more popular around the KA house now than I ever was in college. Finally, my affiliation is paying off. The guys want me to come out for the Margarita Bash with the Chi Omegas next weekend. Good times.

Positive "Mental" Attitude

It is amazing what the mind wonders off to if your not preoccupied with television and the state of affairs and court cases in Hollywood. I heard O.J. got arrested again. I don't care. I hear lots of things at the bar twice a week. My friends and I mostly talk about which 20 something young women are good looking and promiscuous. They all are, but evidently more attracted to the younger and less easy towards us. What do we really know? None of ever gives a real effort to find out. Besides, our bar reminds of the opening scene in King of the Hill with the dudes all lined up sipping beer and saying little. I'm not complaining. I've had more dates in the past three months than I've had in the last 5 years. This silver fox action on my head has some advantages.

It's just like that old saying about clubs. I don't want to join the ones that would have me as a member. That's a joke but there is truth in it. The truth is I just don't want to join the divorced with children club. I liken it to lost luggage on an airplane. One time a few years back, the airline delivered someones luggage to me and then refused to take it back. I finally traded for my stuff back, but only after a couple of weeks of hassle. Just last week I had to dump a woman I started dating a few weeks ago. 14 text messages a day with heart signs and kiss faces was just too much. (That is a huge red flag with the smiley face shaking its head.) The deal breaker is she would hang out at my bar waiting for me to come in, then would sit there and overindulge in public displays of affection. My friends were even embarrassed. What the real problem was is she was breaking our King of the Hill routine, and that simply cannot be done. I thought about changing my number and lying to her by giving her the Continental Airline baggage reclaim hot line, but that would be too mean. So I shot myself in the foot by ignoring her, but all that did was make her want me more.

Stories from the meat office.

I have an employee that works in the warehouse. His name is simply J. He is mentally retarded and can't read much beyond a third grade level. When I took over managing our office, I inherited his services. Honestly, he tries hard and he does do his best. I move past the fact that he can't count the inventory or keep a loading log straight, even though those are the two significant duties needed to fulfill the position. I keep him around for this reason. J likes to tell stories. J loves to tell the same story of a nude bar in Amarillo called The Jungle.

There is something hilarious about a goofy toothed Oklahoma native telling stories about strippers with chewing tabacco juice oozing from the canyon gaps between his teeth. I just remembered my mother reads this, so I will spare the details of the black stripper named "Cherry" and J. The stories always end with him giggling like a pre-pubescent male reading Penthouse forum letters. My wharehouse manager and I get a big kick out his musings. You just have to be here, which we are all the time.

I got this job because the last manager stole two nightly deposits over the Labor Day weekend and blew it on a crack binge. When I came back to work after the holiday, he hit me up for a $500 loan stating I would get in on the ground floor in a "business opputunity." I considered his application and decided that blowing my money on his crack habit was not a good investment, so I declined. He promptly left the office with his wife and two kids and I haven't seen him since. Such a shame, 10 years waiting on his big chance at management and he blew it in 4 weeks.

The manager before him had a crystal meth addiction. He took from the inventory to sell and had a habit of not accounting for the missing items. If your following along here kids, the moral is drugs make you do stupid shit that is bad for business.

The manager before crackhead and meth-man was just a crook. He was in Jesus band back in Oklahoma City, also the hometown of the previous two mentioned. He got fired after the 7th customer paid by check, manager cashes check, then manager doesn't deliver product. The first time would have been enough for me. I guess there really is some appeal to bass players afterall.

There was one before him but he quit to persue this business solo. I didn't get to know him well even though he hired me. In any case, its on me now.

Just yesterday, one of my new part time salesman stumbled upon a sale. He presented the meat and was paid with a forged check. The police got involved, but nothing will happen. We got screwed and some asshole is eating choice cut Angus steaks for free. I hope he chokes on the T-Bone.

Let me tell you about the run of bad luck incurred by my employees. Just this week we have had two cousins die in car accidents, and a brother die of cancer. One wife recieved a fractured ankle at work, and another simply had the flu. I feel like Vice Principal Ed Rooney in Ferris Bueller...."he's been absent NINE times!"

The true stories are the better than the fake ones, at least that is my experience thus far.

What's Happening Now?

I have been doing this new thing called working for a living. Less time for trivial boastings and opinion, so that should explain my absence. Hard to really determine when and how your life can change. It does, you do what you do, and so it goes until something happens again. One thing I've noticed and continued to take advantage of in my new career is: people are selfish. I guess I always thought of that as a negative trait, but so is judging other people. Since I have learned to apply that towards monetary benefit for myself. I've decided to re-evaluate selfish and judgement. It works out alot better when you are directly benefiting by the way.

In less that three months, I have moved from salesman, to the top salesman in my office, to the top salesman in the country, to the manager of my office. Quite a leap, especially for those of you following along in our home game. I just walked in off the street one day broke, and now I'm not. I can make it rain cash. That is a nice feeling to have even though I dont make it rain.

I turned 36 a month ago today. I feel pretty good about it. I got a good gig going, a humble but clean house to live in, and I always got the Maggie dog and my friends. The family has had a few rocky moments, but somehow i think that is all past and the best times are yet to come. Hell, I even broke down and bought a subscription to Pravda a few weeks back. That should tell you something. What is even better is that there were no phycholotrophic drugs involved. Good for me.

It is football season. I can't help it, but it is really dumb how it makes me feel better to know that the OU fans are crying, the UT fans are moaning, and A&M is in turmoil. Sure, we lost to Okie Lite. That sucked, but all the losses do. It helped we beat LSU Barber College by almost 70 points. Michael Crabtree. All the friends and I say to each other now is simply, "Five." Nothing else needs to be said after.



What happened to Twila?

She is still around doing the deal. So am I.