Thanks for nothing

Stay sexy Lubbock, you beautiful city by the bay! We got our first freeze a few weeks back, but now that turkeys are being glazed and the cotton is being stripped it's that time to give unwarranted (or unwauranteed) wisdom. I serve it up cold.

1. I give thanks that I'm not eating a Thanksgiving dinner in L.A. made by El Pollo Loco (it's a fast food chain) while wondering if my now ex- girlfriend is going to give me another scratch and right cross. It's the thought that matters this time of year, or is that saying reserved for Xmas? In any case, all I can say to you is, if the dinner sucks, order out to Pedro's Tamales.

2. I am thankful that I have no outstanding warrants or judgements like many of my employees do. Just today I got a letter from the Attorney General of Texas ordering such and such and lawyer talk to take money from an employee and give it to their office. I would do so, but the guy is an independent contractor. (Please feel free to give advice below on this if you know what I'm supposed to do here, my corporate office hasn't the slightest idea what to do either.)

3. I think it is remarkable how many people are hooked on dope, getting divorced, and have 6 children by four different parents. I don't know if that makes sense, but I think its great that despite my problems, others have it much worse. Face!

4. I am thankful that in 2007 The Police decided to tour again. That is the best thing that happened in my opinion. That and the fact that Notre Dame has lost 9 games. Must be a sign of the end times.

5. I think I made a decision regarding my personal political and religious beliefs. First, no religion. Second, no politics. Third, I worship the giver of unconditional love, the Maggie dog. But I am looking into Scientology, just for kicks. I was thinking of getting my salespeople some Bibles they could give away with every sale just to cover my ass if I'm wrong. (For those of you playing along at home, that is satire.)

6. If the devil is six, then God is Seven. The Pixies rock, and I'm thankful I am cool like the cool kids still whilst the rest of you are paying two grand so your offspring can see Billy Ray Cyrus's jail bait daughter. Achy Breaking your broke overmortaged behind on the 3 year lease payment on the 13 mile a gallon Hummer you thought would be pratical had the government not invaded a country for no reason but did it anyway because they lied to you and knew that you wouldn't really care. Time to unpimp your ignorance and get a VEEEE DUBYAH!

7. I am thankful for grain fed Black Angus cattle producers and meat packing plants. Without you I would still be struggling, and I am happy to be your middle man between you fine folks and the red meat eating world. Never mind that I eat organic food. Self corruption has an upside.

Ocho. I am thankful for my friends and family, and some but not all of the people I work for and with. Eat, be happy, and take a nap.