New Year Resolution tips

Its a rare day that I give advice on life skills. Here are a few that have worked for me recently, so I thought I might share.

1. Shut up and listen.

Simple concept but very hard to accomplish. I'm not going to ramble on and explain the upside to this. Try it and maybe you will learn something about yourself and gain better relationships with others.

Example: Employee with no brains because they have been strung out on drugs since the latter part of the 20th century starts explaining the intricacies of meat business to you. (it doesn't have to be the meat business..but work with me here.) Instead of arguing the concepts such as economy of scale and business ethics, try nodding your head and pretend like you are actually listening. It makes them feel validated. If they ask you a question, simply say verbatim this exact phrase. "hmmm...you know you might have something there. I'll look into it." Then you never do and they forget anyway so it's a win-win for everyone. This will work well whenever the subjuect of resolutions comes up around the shop, trust me.

2. Get ahead and then stay there.

It's easy to win when your ahead in the game, and this works for resolutions too. Did any of the U.N. resolutions work in Iraq? or anywhere else for that matter. Have any of your past personal resolutions worked out well? If your answer is not NO, then it should be. Why torture yourself with tons of goals and life changing 4 e-z payments of $19.95 bullshit. (unless its a really cool Time-Life Sounds of the 70's collection.) Without a resolution, or an even worse plurality of such, you will spare yourself another let down.

3. Torture the people around you.

Be the guy that suggests the buffet for lunch at the office on January 2nd. Be the girl that sleeps around with the every new hire that walks through the door. Okay, that may not be torture. Hell, sleep with the boss too while your at it. I'm just throwing these out because I think I would like to meet the office trollope with "quit banging the guys at work" as a resolution. Those people exist.
What good will this world be with more people feeling less than what they already do about their petty existence. Think about it. You have to fight fire with gasoline. Pour it on when they fail and watch them think twice about making more rules for 2009. I bet that monk that poured gasoline on himself in 1960 something wouldn't do that again.

4. If you must, try something that works.

If your unhappy with your circumstances, and feel the need for change. Just do this one thing every day and I promise things will get better for you.

Drink Alcohol.


Just kidding. But if you have an addiction problem, like internet midget porn or qualudes before 7th grade homeroom...I suggest you try moderation. Oh great, now I sound like I've been watching reruns of Donahue on Beta, but I digress. Seriously, maybe your not a screwed up as everyone else by comparison. I know you have read this thought before from me, but it never hurts to hang out with people that have less going for them than you do. It always helps my self esteem, and that after all is the trancedence of mind we all seek. Que the Pink Floyd man!

5. Parting with old aquaintences

Why should we forget them again? I never understood that song or how the entire cast of Love Boat never got a paying gig after years of powerful acting performances. Plus, I must admit that I do not know the words. I usually start out fine like everyone else with the lyrics, but it gets garbled and mixed in my head...and I still do not understand why we are supposed to forget everyone and never something something something...auld lang's eye or ain or whatever..just give me a kiss and dont spill the champagne.