It's Hamburger Helper and Twila helped.

Smokey's on your tail

After being 5 hours late for work on Monday, I spent the rest of the afternoon dodging my Publisher, Mr. Burns, at The Hub magazine. Everybody in town refers to it as West Texas Monthly, it's original name but we got sued by a similar named publication and rather than fight in court with no money, they just changed the name instead.

A couple of times he glared at me harshly through the blinds in his office while I pretended to work on the computer. We were only 10 days to press and even though he thought all was well on my article for the month, I still haven't found anything worth writing about. In staff meetings, I made it habit of making up the most vivid and compelling story ideas without actually revealing any details. He wasn't the smartest man in the world, nor the most compassionate either, so fooling him each month as to my topic of work was a small measure of daily rebellion.

So while the rest of the staff took off early to pursue research and leads, I had to fore go that daily tribal ritual and stay and look busy. While browsing on the internet, looking at Sports highlights and reading blogs, I decided to take a look at the Renegades website. Twila's picture was there. All of the cheerleaders had biographies that had the layout of a centerfold questionnaire. This was my favorite.

Name: Tammie

Age: 22

School: Farnsworth Cosmetology Junior College (I'm guessing they haven't quite achieved regular college status.)

Turn ons: touchdowns and men and happy hour.

Turn offs: Closing time

Favorite place in the whole world to visit: Golden Fried Chicken in Brownfield and Beaver's in Amarillo.

Goals: To help the Renegades score.

Finally at about 4pm, my editor, we call him "Chief", rumbles over to my desk and asks me to come visit with him in his office. Chief is greatness! Chief hired me fresh out of college and took a liking to my work immediately. While I was in training, The Chief would often take me to diversionary trips to the Horse track in nearby Clovis, NM. He goes about once a week in season and has did no less than 4 articles on horse racing and gambling politics since the magazine began 8 years ago. Chief is the first to organize office pools, the last to leave happy hour, and the first one to work every day. I have never been to the Chief's residence, and in fact I'm not really sure he has one.

His office has always got clothes hanging all over, racing forms on the desk, and pictures of him with different football coaches and players. He started his career as a Sports writer for the local paper, but was let go after his failed marriage with the Senior Vice President's daughter whom was 10 years his junior. The Chief was a perpetual 25 year old in a 55 year old mans body. By far, I was his favorite staff member and closest friend at work. I kept his secrets and he kept mine.

We gonna do what they say can't be done

Chief said, "Smith, where in hell were you this morning."

I said, "Chief, I was bed down with dolly after a late night at the Renegades party."

"Damn boy, give me the details, is she something?"

"Chief, I can't lie to you. I believe this woman has slept with 4 different men since I met her on Thursday."

"One of must be you, that has to count for something."

"Yeah Chief, it counts, but how high does the count go?"

"So she is a cheerleader or a groupie?"

"She works as a leasing agent in my complex, she cheers and dances for the games, and God only knows what she does during the rest of the time."

"No offense buddy, but what is she doing with you? Your kind of a stiff. Sounds like she needs a man like me."

"Chief, there is no doubt that that woman would become trapped in your web of intrigue, lies, and deceit. So what's up?"

"Burns is on my ass about you. He is concerned that you don't have anything and that you aren't spending enough time at your work. I told him you were on it as usual, but I just wanted to make sure. I assume you haven't done shit this month on an article, which isn't a big deal. As long as it is better than a Nursing Home sales brochure."

"Well, as long as the standards are high at The Hub, you can rest assured that I will deliver a cut above the rest. But that being said Chief, I don't got shit to print. I got nothing... really. Reynolds is already doing the story on the new football team, so that one is out. But I did have one idea I been bouncing around."

"What's that?"

"Well, this girl, she is a fucking mess Chief, I mean a real lost puppy. I was thinking I could do a progressive work on how a man changes a woman."

"Smith, you cannot undo what has been done by the good Lord. (Laughing) You want to change a woman, that simply cannot be done and especially by you."

"Well, maybe. But damn it would be highly controversial and fun to write and read. When was the last time we had some real fun around here? Let me do it, Chief. It will sell all over the County."

"OK Smith, and just to sweeten the pot, we wont tell Burns until its already been shipped and printed."

"Big Chief, that is brilliant. I will get to work."

Diablo Sandwhich and a Dr. Pepper

I came home and Twila was cooking "supper", as she would put it. I would call it something much different. My dog was laying on the mountain of a black man in the couch. Strut Strutters was asleep and snoring furiously. Maggie didn't even budge or offer a smile. She just laid there.

Twila came over and kissed me on the check and whispered, "Hi honey, me and Strut decided to surprise you with Hamburger Helper. I even got a salad at the store cause I know you like that shit."

The salad she pointed too had at least a cup and half of Ranch dressing with what looked like 5 pounds of salted pork on it. Is it the thought that counts? I immediately went into my room to change clothes. I noticed that the bed was made. That struck me as odd because I don't think Twila even makes her own bed. Of course, a bolt of emotion and pain coursed through me. Could it be that Twila had worn ole Strut out on my bed, felt bad about it, so she decided to run to the Quik Mart across the street and fix some Hamburger helper? Well, the salad came from the store, so that wasn't exactly the correct details. But I bet they had a nice romp even so.

I stood in the closet for a moment and the mantra was coming back, Your such a.... and then I heard Strut speaking to Twila.

She yelled, "Russ, get the fuck out here, Struts leavin and wants to say bye."

I went to greet Strut as he said, "Thats a nice dog, dawg."

"Thanks Strut, what you doin over here?"

"Me and Twila were looking for me a place, I made the team so I needs a place, she showed me yours. I hope you dont mind, I made the bed jus to see whut it look like neat."

I actually believed him when he said it, but as soon as he left I felt violated again. In fact, I was wanting to pick a fight. But that all changed. Twila stopped cooking and started violating me. She sripped the strip that is somehow encoded in her DNA. Deep inside my brain Joe Cocker was singing You Can Leave your Hat on.

Baby take off your coat
Real slow
Take off your shoes
I'll take off your shoes
Baby take off your dress
Yes, yes, yes

You can leave your hat on
You can leave your hat on
You can leave your hat on

Go over there, turn on the light
Hey, all the lights
Come over here, stand on that chair
Yeah, that's right
Raise your arms up in the air
Now shake 'em
You give me reason to live
You give me reason to live
You give me reason to live
You give me reason to live

She's a good timin woman in love with a Lazy Boy Man.


Hamburger Helper with drenched salad and Arbor Mist wine never tasted so fine. I was just sitting in my chair wondering why I get suckered into these deals with this type of woman. Twila cusses like a sailor, loves like a whore, and cooks like first day clerk at McDonald's. I was beginning to dig it. For all the wrong reasons of course. I guess nobody wants to be alone. If there is no Coca Cola in the fridge, an orange Shasta will sometimes have to do, especially if Twila can reuse the can for an ashtray afterwards.

Twila sat there across the room just staring at me for great lengths of time. It was annoying me, be I dare not be rude. I haven't had that kind of smiling in my direction in a while. She interrupted the television spewing non stop updates about campaign finance and Iraq and stated firmly,

"I liiike yew....your so awesome to me."

"Thanks Twila, I appreciate the nice dinner you made for me after a long day of nothing at work."

She laughed, "Yer sooo funny! I just can't wait til Naomi and Alex get to meet you. There comin in tomorrow for the boat show cause Alex hurt his back at work and got a settlement. He's my mom's husbend. He's Mescan but you will liike him. Thare gettin a boat and I can't wait to go this summer. We're going to have some fun."

"Alex doesn't sound Hispanic." Ignoring the future invitation I hoped I would never have to accept.

"He aint no Spic Russ, hes Mescan. It's short for Alejandro. Wes jus call him Alex. He used to shoot dice at my old dads dice game and that's whare he met my mom. Alex has a job so mom went with him. She met my second dad on the internet, but he was a letdown to her and the house turned into a bar."

"Good times." Concealing the orgasm of surprises brought forth.

"Will you please come with me to the boat show tomorrow? I will be nice to you all night."

"OK Twila, but you have to promise me one thing."

"What's that."

"Don't bring random people up to my apartment and let me know when your going to be in here. It freaked me out a little bit when I got home and there was a black man on the couch loving on my dog. I don't have anything against Strut, but damn we just met on Thursday."

"Well fuck you then, I'm fuckin sorry I wanted to do something nice fer you motherfucker."

"No Twila, it's not that, that was nice, it's just that I was a little freaked. Imagine if Rodney was over on your couch rubbing on Buster's balls asleep while I made you Frito Pie. You would feel awkward i bet." I thought that was funny as hell to think about but I dare not laugh.

"Bullshit, you just don't like that Strut is a friend and you are jealous. You were bein a pussy at the party last night and ever one saw it. So what, I got alot of guy friends, I can if I want to."

Busted! Twila can read minds it looks like.

"Fine Twila, if that is what you think then I'm sorry. It's just that we just met and it has been a whirlwind with you. Your cool and all, but I like to take things a bit slower and deal with less craziness. You can understand that, right?"

"Well, your just not use to hot women that like to party I guess. Lighten up and quit being a pussy all the time."

"We'll do."

So I just sat in my chair uncomfortable for the rest of the evening. Twila spent all evening on the phone making plans with her mom, she called her by her first name, Naomi. The name would screech in my brain every time she said NaaaaaOmi, and she held nothing back.

"Well Russ, you know that guy I wuz tellin you about that wupped Duhgs ass the other nite. He wants to go with us to the Boat Show. Aint Alex comin, Naomi? Well ya'll better get ya'lls happy ass up her after werk, I like to eat before all them people pick throught the Golden Corall buffet." On and on it went. I tried to think of something I could say or do to get Twila out of my apartment, but I could never come up with anything besides hurting her feelings and then having to endure the shit, fuck, damn insult hurls. The mantra re-emerges, I'm such a pus... but then in the nick of time, I push it back down.

"Twila, get off the damn phone."

"OHKAY, HOLD ON! Love yew Naomi, bye and tell Alex adios fer me. Bye"

Throwing the phone down she looks alive.

"Whut?"

I get the courage up and ask,"Do you like those makeover shows?"

"Yeah, I especially liike the won whare they take them fat pepple and make em skinny and buy new clothes and have that big ole party."

"Great, what would you say if I said that you could do something like that too."

"Well, I aint no fatass Russ." Slapping her ass and shaking her breasts again.

"No, not like that one, but maybe do something where you change everything about yourself. Maybe go to school, get a degree, get a better job, learn new things, and make yourself a better person."

"Shit, I aint goin to college. Them people dont do shit anyway. I leased all them apartments to them kids and they dont do shit cause they got Daddy's money and sit around and smoke dope all day."

"Sure Twila, but I'm talking about actually learning and going to school. I am talking about making yourself like those high class models sorta. You know like the ones on that Runway show you like. They are refined, some are smart, and others have alot of class. Does that sound good to you?"

"Well, I guess so, but I don't see whut yer talkin about."

"Give me a few days, and I will come up with something and let you decide. If you dont like it then you dont have to do it."

"I aint doin shit I don want to do." Shaking her head like a Supreme as in Gladys Knight.

Off to bed I went, wondering just how much I was going to regret my hungover makeover idea.

Then I decided to be the lizard king, as well all should know, the lizard king can do anything. Twila's doors were about to be opened and all I had to do was figure out how to change her perception of reality. Besides, if she can conquer Hamburger Helper, she can conquer anything!