Oh Mickey your so fine...

I've been to the desert on a horse with no name

Well a girl with a stripper name anyway. After our fine cuisine at Casa Ole', we headed to the strip. Twila emerged from the beer store with 2 4 packs of Strawberry Wine coolers and a pack of Virginia Slim lights. We proceeded to my place where to complicate my stomach issues, I had the revenge of badly fermented fruit. Twila sang the hits all the way home. One was some rap song I heard before called Smack That. She loved it, Flipped again and stumbled onto Every Rose has its Thorn. It was American Idol on Turkish hashish. Twila doesn't roll down the window when she smokes because she fears she might start a fire on the side of the road, never mind the 4 alarm blaze inside the Cougar.

Cops, Cheaters, and Project Runway

Uplifting television at it's finest. I have nothing of substance to report other than it gave me great joy to see the thousands of looks on Twila's face as she guzzled alcohol and commented on every single camera shot for what seemed like 10 hours. I finally feel asleep next to her on my couch. Then I began to fake it. Twila got a text message then went in my bathroom and placed a call.

She shook me but I did not budge, I wasn't leaving and I damn sure wasn't going to answer any more questions or partake in Chances R.

Two Doors down there laughing and drinking and having a party.

I regained some strength with a nice granola flax seed breakfast, topped with ground gourmet organic coffee. Maggie and I went for a walk to the nearby park right after. It was a great spring morning and I could feel Maggie's pleasure in sniffing the left overs from other nearby dogs. I just do not get it.

I felt Twila's presence as I noticed her car parked near her door facing the park. I deliberately hid our excursion behind the trees. I just couldn't let my peace be interrupted. As soon as I thought that, I caught a glimpse through the brush and saw Twila outside of her door in a short pink satin nightgown with a terribly silk screened purple butterfly on it. She was hugging two men that looked like they were the size of NFL linebackers.

I can't lie, I felt a little bit jealous. As Maggie started to finish her business, I thought of all the sexual positions the three of them had been engaged in throughout the early morning. I was angry that she would leave me for an orgy with the Denver Broncos, but what is there different to expect. She is a single sexually active young woman in the community. I really don't like her personality, vocabulary, interests, or appearance in the least. Well, maybe I like her a little bit. Otherwise I wouldn't be feeling jealous.

I can't get her out of my head

So all morning and into the noon hour I stewed around my apartment chain smoking and running through all of the things I would say to fucking Twila. Why do I care? I can't explain it in the same way I can't explain why dogs need to sniff on dog shit. About that time, the knock on the door comes. It's Twila. As soon as I see her, I cannot believe my eyes. She is dressed up in a black and purple cowgirl outfit reminiscent of a Dallas Cowboy cheerleader. It was evident she had spent the better part of the morning getting her hair and makeup just right.

Twila said, "you want to come watch me cheer? I get free tickets and I want you to bring your dork friends to watch all us hot girls wiggle."

I said, "Wow, I didn't know you were a cheerleader! So you are a cheerleader for the Renegades?"

Twila starts twirling her pom poms and begins to shack her breasts quickly to give me a taste of the action in store for the day. I can't believe I said yes, but I just had to see this side of her. I've already seen the breasts, but I haven't had a cheerleader dig my chili since high school and I just can't get enough of that action. I also wanted to check out the new Arena football team in Lubbock. The Renegades are like a Double A minor league baseball team. If you have ever been to anything minor league, its always fun.

Fun because, my friends and I can criticize everything from the stadium announcers, to the groveling children yelling for freebie souvenirs that are just a cut above carnival prizes. The play of the game is not very interesting I must admit, it is all about the shitty side show and drinking beer in a public place. In Lubbock, you would think the Cowboys were playing because everyone has on Cowboy jerseys and the like.

"I have a ton to do here today, but I will be there, what time does it start?"

She said, "It starts at 3, but I have to go now. I haven't practiced the routines all week because I was an alternate, but they called me and said I was on because Becky got put in jail for getting in a fight at the Koko Inn. Can you believe it, I get to dance in front of everyone."

I said, "I can't wait to see you, your uniform looks awesome." (Lie)

She goes, "I bet you like it, maybe I can wear it for you later."

I asked, "I bet you had it on last night."

She said, "No, I got tired and went home to bed."

"I bet you were tired. We had a long day and you probably had a long night." In the I know what you did last night tone of voice. She missed it by a mile, or at least she pretended too.

Her eyes rolled and she punched me in the chest and said, "Well if you weren't so god damned old, I could have kept you up all night. I got to go, here are the tickets. See you there. And tell your friends ya'll can come down and meet some of my friends on the team. They are sooo cool."

"I bet they are. Okay."

All my rowdy friends

We got excited about a couple of plays, but otherwise we just drank a few beers and commented on the pathetic display of everything minor about the minor leagues. I pointed out that Twila was the girl that couldn't keep up with the perkier and more experiences dance team members. My friends all thought she was hot, and one of my friends Ron said she looked familiar. He asked what her name was.

I reply in curiosity, "Twila Barr, you know her?"

Ron smiled weirdly and said, "Yeah, we met."

Noticing the odd smirk, "Oh yeah, how do you know Twila?"

"Umm well, she use to hang out with a couple of buddies of mine up at the golf course bar." (In guy friend translation that means he has had sex with her before after a long night of drinking.)

"Orly?"

"Yeah, she's cool I guess. How long you been seeing her again?"

"On and off for the past couple of days. It's funny really. I don't like her at all but there is something about her."

"Yeah, I know what you mean man, she can be a really cool chick."

"I guess so. She seems to be really cool to half of Lubbock County, and that's just since Friday afternoon."

Now the entire gang is laughing, and some are really laughing at me in that your are so pathetic cackle.

Rodney asks shyly, "you think I can get her phone number?"

Pointing to the team bench "Sure, how about I just introduce you to her and her boyfriends on the team."

Ron said, "Damn, Twila has a boyfriend on the team and your messing around with her. That cannot be healthy."

"It probably isn't, it's not that I'm afraid of them, it's more that I'm worried my health insurance doesn't cover a trip to the clap clinic."

The jokes and jibes continue until the local domed gridiron heroes go down in defeat. We proceed to go meet up with Twila. The boys really wanted to see if I could get an in for them with the other sex pandering ballerinas. I do what I can for my boys.

Meet the Renegades

Rex O'donnell is a 6'6 350lbs lineman and the spitting image of Dan Blocker on steroids. His buddy on the team is Mickey "Strut" Strutters, a 6'2 200lbs wide receiver. Rex said he played his college ball at Florida Atlantic, he blew out his knee during last year's NFL combines and is trying to get back into shape to make another run at the NFL. Strut, he insists that you call him that "Dawg", grew up in Louisiana and played football at some directional state school near his home. They were all smiles until Twila said.

"Hey ya'll, this is my boyfriend Russ."

I felt like I was pissing razor blades, in fact that might seem better after the look of humorous pity the two football giants had on there face. They looked like they had discovered a silver lining in their defeat all of the sudden. They didn't know that I knew at that instant that they had violated Twila 16 ways to Sunday morning, and they had revealed that in their look of amazement. Just embarrassment, please someone remove me from the planet until I can regain some dignity.

Strut said, "Hey Dawg, you want to come to our party. Twila's coming." Then he immediately slapped Rex on the hand and they shared that sinister look and enjoyed the moment all over again in an instant.

Twila unfaded said, "Ya Russ, come on, ever body will be there and ya'll can bring them friends over too. It'll be funner than sitting at home watching Histery Channel like you prolly want to do."

I didn't ask for this. I felt like I was 7 years old again when my Aunt made me get on a roller coaster at Six Flags and I was so terrified I threw up before, during, and after the ride. That was supposed to be fun too. I had to play with the Renegades. My pride was on the line for the wrong reasons, so true. But again, like Woltz in the Godfather, "I aint no band leader!"

I'm the greatest wingman ever

We all pile out of the Ron's truck after a trip to the beer store, my second consecutive in as many days. I go to bars, I do not go to the beer store unless its the holidays. I am doing this for my friends, I kept telling myself. But in my mind, I kept picturing scenes from Revenge of the Nerds, where all the football players are groping cheerleaders, especially my cheerleader, and I was being hazed down stairs like the gay rape scene in Pulp Fiction.

Evidently some hot cheerleader named Skye was hosting a party at her parent's home just on the outskirts of town. The house looked like it was built during the dust bowl back in the thirties. The couches were at least 30 years old and the carpet had stains from spills of days past. The home smelled like a mold convention, but all over the house were pictures of Skye in cheerleader outfits and Glamour shot layouts with tiger print vests and shit. I learned the parent's were vacationing. I asked Skye if they were in the Hampton's, but she said shrugged that off as if she didn't know. Probably because she didn't and told me they were in Turner Falls for a wedding.

It's been 12 years since I remember going to a keg party. It all came back to me now. Accept this one was different. There was danger lurking and I could feel it. Sure enough danger came into the house with her stripper cowgirl outfit still on from the game. Twila was the only girl there with it still on. The other girls had swapped out their clothing for a different brand of sexual trash.

Twila worked the room like a professional at Score's. Sitting on the Running back's lap. Kissing bruises on the Quarterback's chin and giving him a sip of beer. She would come around me occasionally and say, "I'm so glad your here. Isn't this fun? You got any extra beer, Strut says the keg floated."

So I would walk out to Ron's truck to get into my stash thinking it was for my girl. Duped again, she promptly kissed me hard then proceeded to Strut lounging by the scum filled kiddie pool. I watched as she sat in his lap then handed him my fucking beer.

During this episode, I made up a chant.

I am such a pussy.
I am such a pussy.
I am such a pussy.

I'm going to Jaurez.
I'm getting steroids.
I'm getting pumped.

And gosh darn it, people will like me.

Rodney and Ron

They were there just talking it up and getting drunk with all of the girls and players. They were having a blast. I wished I could be like them, but I just couldn't. I tried to fake having fun, but that lasted for about 10 minutes until Twila came back to make an announcement to the room.

"Everybody shut the fuck up a second..God damn it! Me and Rex and Strut are going to go get another fucking keg at the Strip before it closes."

Rex chimes in, "Everybody better fucking pony up, we aint buying this next one. We also need a truck."

Immediately Ron does the unthinkable and hands Rex his keys. I looked at him like he just lost his mind. This is not a Ron move. Drive them? Sure, no problem. But give them the keys? I can't believe it happened.

I was in such a panic, I handed over $20 to Rex like a baptist getting tithed. Can this possibly get any worse? In an instant they were gone. Then it did get worse, they left with my girl and my beer. She is wearing a stripper outfit and I was sure there was a pornography film crew at the ready should the trio decide to have another fling. Why don't you kick my dog while your at it?

Rodney said, "where's Twila? I thought she was with you?"

"Fuck off Rodney!"

Rodney laughed the laugh of condescending, in defeat I retreated outside.

So I decided to lounge where Strut had been before, seeking the power of the chair in hopes a scantily clad drunk gal would come over and kiss on my wounds. Wishful thinking.

3 hours later and 5 before I have to be at work. The mantra repeats itself until I fall asleep.I get awoken by Twila with my foot drenched in kiddie pool scum. I faintly hear the deep giggles of gladiators in heat.

She said, "your friends done took off with some of the girls. I tole em you could ride home with me, so you better get that shit washed off yer shoes. I don't want you getting that shit in my car."

Oh kindest and fairest maiden, come rescue thou and let me seek travel in thouest chariot.

Twila looked like she had been riding the mechanical bull at Gilley's and been bucked off 15 times. She was drunk and in no condition to drive. The guys all escorted her to her car and each of them gave her deep hugs and lifts. I could hear the mutterings that I were sure were the "can I come over" and let's try to get eight seconds together type pleadings.

I can't remember anything else after that. I awoke in the morning with a cheap fish net half way choking me and 4 hours late for work. Twila was gone but I knew that she had slept there. I was just hoping I could wash it all off and avoid a trip to the clinic or perpetual pharmaceutical purchases. Even still, I smelled the scent of drunken girl in my bed, and I wondered why I liked it so much.