Discount Mexican food (you get what you pay for)

When you just feel so guilty you can't refuse.

Twila called me up this morning saying she got off at 11:30 from the leasing office and cut a coupon out of the phone book for a "twofer" deal at Casa Ole', a less than popular restaurant here in the Hub City. I guess that meant I was paying and she was getting the freebie.

Ball Buster

Well, as it turns out Twila had to, "get ready first." So I'm sitting there in her apartment again, running through the events of the night before in my mind. I was wondering how I was going to break it her that I really didn't like her all that much, but something tells me my rent might go up. Quite a quandary. To complex the issue, her boxer named Buster kept trying to sniff my crotch. He is a big and nasty dog and he even nipped at my hand when I tried to remove him from my loin region.

After 30 damn minutes in the bathroom, which became obvious was a long session on the toilet due to the foulness wafting through the vents, she finally emerged refreshed and ready for burritos covered in government grade taco meat seasoning sauce. Oh goody!

She said, "Damn it Buster, thats my man. He aint fer you!"

I was feeling relieved to be leaving and said the completely wrong thing to a woman after she has been in the bathroom for a while.

"Everything come out okay?"

Salvadore Dali and Mary Kay had a love child

She looked as if she could burn a hole through my skin and bones, evil eyes flashed the heavy black eye makeup upon me. She smelled like dollar store body spray and ass. The heady scent of yesterday's digested cheap beer and fast food overwhelmed my brain with a headache of deep remorse and pain. I couldn't wait to get the Mexican food smells of grease and flour.

Twila takes me for the ride FOR my life

As we walked to her 1995 Mercury Cougar, with rusted paint and stickers on the back window with butterflies, I began to question my judgment in entangling myself with such a creature. Has it really come to this? A trashy woman with makeup put on with a putty knife entrusting my wellbeing in a car unworthy of third world safety standards? WHY AM I HERE!

A silent prayer at an intersection later, we were finally at our romantic interlude destination.

Culinary delights

Oh my, did the sparks fly! Twila had polished off her second margarita by the time feast arrived. The burritos looked like they were defrosted in a microwave then slathered with shit sauce, plated, and sent out with a garnish of shredded lettuce and cheap cheese left over from an MRE circa Vietnam. Being somewhat of a vegan now, I said my goodbyes to the remaining pleasant feeling in my stomach. It tasted a bit better than it looked. Have you ever had a Patio frozen dinner? By comparison, those were meals, this was torture.

Small talk

Twila entertained me with stories about Doug, her mother, and her third stepfather's dice game. Twila's family supplemented their household income by hosting gambling parties. Mom worked at the Nursing home, and Twila held down several jobs at local fast food eateries.

She said, "you know, I know how to cook."

I said, "Really, What do you like to cook?"

"Well I like to make cookies, and I even know how to make Tacos better than those over there."

I said, "We might have to do that sometime, you know I know how to cook too. I like to cook because it saves me money and it is healthier."

She replied with a drip of industrial grade cheese stringing from the side of her mouth as she spoke while chewing, "I like to go out. My favorite is Sonic. Them chilidogs are Sooo good!"

Screwed twice in less than 24 hours

"Did you bring that coupon you were talking about?"

She said, "Fuhq no, I forgot it."

Great. 4 margarita's and a twofer at full price was a smidge over $35. She began bitching at the waitress, "We didn't get no chips and my food wasn't any good." (She polished off the entire plate plus half of the pico de gallo bar.) I was completely ready to die in embarrassment. I held on in gut wrenching rumblings from the 4 bites of MRE bliss as she asked to speak to the manager. I guess the look on my face combined with the rush of tequila coursing through her veins had caused Twila to become bold.

This sissy has cleaned a few trailers in her day

Mike, the day shift manager, came over to the table and Twila belted out.

"Hey, I use to work at a place like this and your supposed to get chips and salsa for free. We didn't get no chips."

She grabbed the bill from my hands and asked why we, excuse me, I was charged for the undelivered chips. Oh fuck, the humanity! Like I care at this point. I felt like I was watching the TCU game from this year at the same time in the same place with an explosion of fury beginning to emanate from my pants. How could I have been made to be seen with this woman, much less buy her damn lunch when I could have had lime chicken and blanc sauteed asparagus instead. Now I know what the Caveman feels like in those Geico commercials.

Mike said as he had been trained, "Ma'am, I realize you aren't pleased with the service, is there something I can do to make it better?"

Twila said, "well I come here all the time and aint never been treated like this." The con begins.

"Here at Casa Ole, we aim to have the highest in customer service and healthy good food." The con descends into the abyss of motivational speaking tape lingo. This whole time I am just soaking up the unpleasantness of a waste in English conversation. Twila doesn't know what to say so I jump in.

"How about we get a discount for the chips and call it good?"

Twila says, "that's bullshit! We should get ever thang off the bill."

Mike had the face of fear and loathing and replied, "Well, I can't take ever thang off, but I can see what we can do, be right back."

Mind reading dyslexia

Twila snarled and said, "that somebitch aint trained right, were the customers and we didn't get ever thang we wanted."

Finally I just sighed and said, "That's okay, I'm just ready to bolt."

Smiling she said, "I know whut you want to do now! You want some of whut you got last night."

I just shook my head and thought to myself, you don't even know. At this point, I would rather have sex with a rhinoceros on crack than Twila on 3 margaritas, at least I could have a better conversation even if it was one sided.