A twirl with Twila

Bud and Sissy

She is nice enough. No kids but she has been divorced once. The reason? The guy got sent off to prison. When I pressed for an explanation, it creeped me out that she wouldn't answer. But i did find out he gets out next year, so it must not have been too bad. Like murder bad. I'm guessing theft or drugs. My mind rushes to the scene in Urban Cowboy where the bad guy is operating the mechanical bull but instead Twila is on the saddle. Weird.

Boy I sure can pick em, you know? I think that I'm going to stop this deal before it gets off the ground. I have two reasons and one reveals my shallowness, and the other makes good sense.

Shallow is gene pool that names their child Twila. Sorry folks, but that's a stripper name. I just don't want to date someone that could easily be coming on the stage to She's Only 17 by Winger. I know I'm an ass, but it is what it is.

The sensible reason is, she seems like the kind of chick that would cheat on you. She got no less than 3 calls during our visit at the pool and all of them were apparently young beaus in lust after Twila. She told me about one of them. She pronounces the name like this, DU-HG. Doug, he works at an Oil Change place and was asking if she wanted to go to the races.

Here comes the deal breaker.

"I love the races. People getting drunk and having a good time." I said, "Yeah, that sounds fun." (I'm such a liar.) She then punches me in the shoulder, an obvious tell that she wanted my muchismo and smiles and says, "you should come with us." I replied, "well, I got to bowl that night in my league so I can't make it." (lie number #2) She frowns a bit and says, "your in a bowling league?" The I told her all about the Achievers. She wasn't too impressed.

So let's fast forward to 1:45 am last night.

Looking for love in all the wrong places

I get a call from Twila. Guess what? That's right, she was drunk and needed a ride home from a bar because, "I got in a fight with Doug and we broke up. He left me here, can you come pick me up?" I asked, "where are you?" She was at a local honkytonk in town called Chances R. Trust me when I tell you this, it is the hub of working class rednecks around these parts. Don't get me wrong here, these people are good timing, fun loving people, but when they get drunk and get that old ass country cranked up, it's a difficult deal to deal with. So of course, being the gentleman that I am, I go and pick her up.

Well fuck! She is in the parking lot arguing with the 22yr old Doug. He gets out of his 1998 Chevy s-10 with chrome wheels and loud stereo and starts cussing at Twila who sees me pull up and gets out to get in with me. He starts cussing at me, "Who the fuck are you?" So I get out of my VW and say in my best John Wayne impression I can muster with a pair of Crocs on and say, "well sir, I'm Twila's friend and I'm here to make sure she gets home safe." He at least decides he doesn't want to fight there, and I get back in after his tirade ends and drive off with Twila.

Big Mistake

Well lo and behold after we get to Twila's residence in the complex, there is a beating sound at the door. Old double deuce Doug and some pal of his. Twila decides to do the dumbest thing ever. She answers the door and Doug pushes his way in. "Are you fucking him now?" Twila says, "NO, I aint never been with him DUHG you asshole. Besides you been cheatin on me with that bitch Regina." In Springeresque fashion they proceed to continue there argument whilst I am staring at the unknown youngster in tow to see if they are going to make a move on me. I finally decide to break my silence and say, "If you three don't mind, I'd like to go on to my house." Doug says, "yeah, you better get the fuck outta here."

Filo Beto

I said, "DUHHHHG" (with emphasis on the Texan drawl.) "If your going to whip my ass then you better get to work BOOOY, cause I got things to do."The friend chimes in, "Dude, let's go you can talk to her tomorrow man, we gotta got to work at 7." Well Doug is looking at me then he finally decides to take a wild swing that misses me by a mile. Twila is screaming and I rush Doug out of the apartment and on to the stoop. The friend is frozen I guess because I was worried he would make it two on one. In no lees than 4 seconds I have Doug pinned to the ground and he is screaming at me, "Fuck you man, fuck you man, get off of me." After about 6 seconds of squeezing his body against the ground, I finally say, "If you will calm down Doug, I will get the fuck off of you. I don't think we need to go to jail here." He calms down then let him up.
You want to know what happens next, don't you?

Doug and his friend left, and I got right turned Clyde. I will tell you this, it was good but she needs lessons like Sondra Locke needed an acting class.