Life Plan.

Take it from me kids. Life is as shitty and hard as your parents warned. Dont be an overachiever in college. Dont flunk out either. You want to strive to have your GPA just slightly above a 3.0 (on a 4.0 scale). If your really smart you will follow my college life plan.


Pick a school that has a good to great athletic program. It is alot of fun to go on road trips, party, tailgate, and celebrate meaningless athletic achievements. Good times! There is nothing more exciting than a campus on gameday. Cherish each and every Saturday like it is gold. One day, you will be older and the marrow of life will be exhausting. But on these glorious days of drinking, tradition, and casual sex in the bathroom; you are a king.

Be a joiner! Try out different clubs and try to pick those that the ladies frequent. It is always good to be social in college. If you have the means, join a fraternity, just make sure they are in it for the fun and not the stupid hazing. Dont be a dorm rat, but instead strive to become a Renaissance man. Explore new things, greet new ideas, and invite co-eds to bars for happy hour! Life is what you make it and in the words of Paul McCartney, "The love you take is equal to the love you make." Just be careful.

Dont be a fool and get a girlfriend. Have fun and play the field. In college you will become familiar with the bell curve, and alot of other unique erotic curves as well. Remember that variety is the spice of life. Dont fall for the first women that blows your mind. Women will enslave you and distract you from your hedonist bliss. If you handle this challenge then the keys to the c'est la vie are open. If you ever slip up just repeat this quote from the movie Dazed and Confused, "I get older but they stay the same age."

Be full time, but dont overload yourself. Your young! Enjoy your youth and the generosity of the federal government. 6 to 7 years is an adequate amount of time to explore all that college has to offer plus gives ample time for your maturity. You are in college to get an education. A full education is accomplished by exploring many of the schools courses and at the same time learning to be an adult. But before you become a full fledged adult please feel free to unleash the bounty of youth. 4 year of cramming is hardly a healthy way to start out in life. You only get one, might as well live it. There is plenty of time to be a slave to the man in your thirties.

Once you graduate, go see the world. There is plenty of time for stress in graduate school. Take a break and go skiing for a season. Backpacking in Europe is great. Perhaps a South American samba orgy or African safari. Do anything but go home to mom and pops. They dont want you around, so oblige them and dont. If money is a problem, which is always the case, figure it out! Mr. Roper found a job on television and you are a college graduate that is presumably educated. Educated means that you can do it! Just dont leave until you are accepted into graduate school.

Definately go to graduate school. Dont be a sucker and fall for a 30 to 40k a year job. Believe me, it's only slightly above poverty and you already know by then how to roll like that in school. Imagine yourself molding young minds in bullshit lab classes. Imagine writing papers and collaborating with young nubiles whilst your buds are slaving in a cubicle in North Dallas. Have you ever seen Office Space? Dont be that Michael Bolton guy. BTW, if you ever decide to go to the dark side you will be more marketable. Whatever that means.

After 8 to 9 years of steady schooling, finish it off already! You need letters at that point to justify your achievement. If you spent 10 years in College you deserve the title of Doctor! Nobody likes a quitter and neither should you. From then whenever someone calls your name, it will echo with the years of great life spent in College. College; is perhaps better defined not as a place, but as a word that truely explifies youth, achievement, hope, happiness, life, and knowledge. Its utterance conjurs the essence of flip flops and shorts, beer bongs, and playstation football tournaments. College is the bulb in the thousand points of light that presumably are really one light redirected into one thousand directions.