Has anyone seen this boy?

Last seen on July 21, 2008

Whereabouts: UNKNOWN


FRIDAY HAIKU

Donkey elephant
Uncle Sam whorin out debt
Chink say "U PAY NOW!"


FRIDAY HAIKU 2: Electric Bugaloo

Meat Bidness story
Owner to casino go
No make twenty one

Caddyshack Haiku

Losing at track make
Seventy five not fifty
you getty no coke

As the meat office turns

I'm training a new assistant manager. The motel owner where we "house" our transient employees called to complain about our new hires' family. Evidently, he has his wife, her brother and his wife, and a friend and his wife. So that's 6 adults by my count in one room. The motel owner also stated that they have 2 cats and 2 dogs. That's 10 heartbeats in the same hovel. JEEZ! The owner was gracious and said they had a day to move out.

I confronted the newbie about this predicament, to which he replied, "we canint afford no double room or nothin like that."

I said, "You should look into getting a house."

"WELP, what the fuck are they so upset about? Aint like they aint gettin thare money."

"True but they own the place and they want you out today."

"Thats bullshit, we paid, hell in Mississipi they caint do that shit."

"Welcome to Texas. I would start east of MLK on your house hunt."

This Day in Aggie Football

I am linking to this blog because this is the greatest compliment to Texas Tech athletics I have seen in the history of forever. PLEASE READ IT and Enjoy.

What a Difference Ten Years Makes

Blue Horseshoe loves Anacott Steel

This morning I wake up to Lehman Brothers bankruptcy and a sell off of Merrill. I DO NOT feel sorry for these folks ONE bit. They should not have lent all that money.

Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac. I DO NOT feel sorry for these folks one bit. They should not have lent all that money.

This house of cards all comes back to people buying more house than they could afford. I DO NOT feel sorry for these people one bit. They should not have borrowed that money.

If the store by my house that puts people on payment plans for 20 inch chrome rims goes out of business....

there will be some happy people in crap cars with nice wheels.









Moanday





This just in...Steve the Pirate just called and said, "hey man...the fookin dude from Pink Floyd is fookin dead man...its all over the radio."





I said, "bummer...hey man...Maggie (this is my dog) is beeping in...I gotta go."





Sure enough, the fookin dude from Pink Floyd is dead. Maybe he caught a sneak peak of the new New Kids on the Block video. The promo is like every 5 seconds for the new album on sports channels. Someone needs to let their ad agency know that those ought to be on the Estrogen network.





NEW kids on the Block, had a bunch of hits

What could be worse than a New Kids reunion or the dude from Pink Floyd being dead?



http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NHuGG_FsC20

Look a likes

I know Nosing I sees nosing





Mohammad's Heroes on Al jazeera coming this fall

Aggies get ready for hurricane IKE

not really, this is an old pic from Rita in 05. I hope Ike isn't too bad.

Eye Heart Internets

Led Zeppelin Thursday aka Dude it's Kashmir

If you got 5 minutes to waste, which you do if your on this blog, then waste it.

Country opry

If they get dove hunting on Wii. I'm buying it. I have a bruise in the shape of West Virginia and the diameter of a soft ball on my shoulder. It does not feel as bad as it looks.

I shot 7 boxes of shells and killed 7 dove and 1 pidgeon. That is not very good. The new shotgun MUST be defective.

Meat office joke of the week:

Do you know what a wife does after she gets back from the battered woman's shelter?

The @#$%in dishes if she knows what is good for her.

Meat office drama of the week:

Our hero, let's just call him Steve because that is his name, has a new project. He is trying to help a 22 year old woman named Kristina get out of living at the crack house with no electricity or hot water. Basically, Steve wants her to move in with him. I reason that trading crack heads for one pot head might be a step up. I'm encouraging the union. There I go again, playing match maker. Steve laments to me every moment about Kristina when he is in my presence. It is a beat down.

There is more. Evidently, Kristina has 2 children in CPS custody and is trying to get them out. According to Steve, she has chosen to stay at the crack house because if she moves in with another man and changes addresses the CPS will not give her the children back. AT least that is her current excuse to Steve. I said, "I think she is just playing hard to get."

Week 1 of the NFL

The Cowboys have yet to kick off and I already feel the disinterest. Old habits do die hard, so I guess I can watch it and take a nap.

I like it that the Manly man song Everyday is like Sunday by Morrissey is used to promote the manly manliness of watching football.

Politics the way I see it

Sarah Palin is hawt. No doubt this has been pointed out already. She is kinda like a Warrant video. Republicans are smart....It's like hey, check this chick out in roller skates and forget that this song errr i mean our policies really suck. Speaking of Palin, Winger has a song called Seventeen and Palin has a pregnant daughter that is Seventeen. hmmmm....connection?

Conjugal Visit Update

Some of you may recall my band Conjugal Visits. If not, please feel free to read up on our history here. We have been in the studio writing and finishing up on an album originally called After Execution. However, it became clear that as a great band we were missing something. The Who had Tommy, The Beatles had Sgt. Peppers, and Pink Floyd had The Wall...etc.etc....the bottom line is we needed to do a rock opera that could be a cool album that could be made into a broadway musical then released as a motion picture at some point when we needed the extra cash.

After much discussion and argument, we decided to not make a rock opera but something completely new. We realized that we could be the first band to create a "country opry", as we coin it.

Its about an evil doer named Kody Teith from the fictional state of Okrahoma that uses bad music, truck commercials, and ghey cowboy hats to control the minds of the people to promote war. We are hoping that not only will it sell as a protest piece, but also find an audience with the towel heads "over thare" in Arabia that will enjoy it as a stereotype of Americans.

The album is called For Unlawful Kountry Tunes

Excuses, excuses, at the meat office.

This is just from this morning.

1. "I have to go to school and pick up my daughter. Theys says she got head lice.", says guy with permed mullet.

2. "Man I got a blowout in Lorenzo, you want me to come in tommorrow instead?".......I reply, "No, just get her fixed and come on in."..."hmmm ohhh okay. lemme do that."

3. "Sorry Im late. I took a wrong turn and now I'm by the airport." says the warehouse manager that has worked here for 7 months.

4. Blowout in Lorenzo calls back, "I kaint make it thare til later. They say they kaint get to me til later." Frustrated I say, "Well, just take tommorrow off too then call me on Monday and I will let you know if I need you to come in."

Preseason breakdown

This is a blanket analysis which covers all my favorite teams

It all depends on different things if we are going to win this season. It depends on if our offense scores when it has the ball. It also depends on whether our defense can stop other teams from scoring. It depends sometimes on whether our defense can score. Occasionally, it comes down to kicking game and special teams.

Coaching can make a difference. Play calling, organization, and preparation are keys to success. Often player execution can get overlooked, but it is a major factor in the success of a season. I figure if we have all of that, then we can win, especially if we are better than the other team and score the most points.

Predictions

Decatur Eagles: State Champs

We're due. We would win the whole deal for sure if we would go back to the cool "D" emblem with the sinister eye in the center of the D.



Texas Tech Red Raiders: National Champs or at least Big 12 Champs or maybe just a good bowl game.

I will will into reality with my Vulcan mind trick I learned at Scout camp.



Dallas Cowboys: Super Bowl Champions

Jerry is negotiating with Usain Bolt.

Only floss the teeth you wish to keep.

I was on Liberally lean and that guy does nothing but tackle the serious issues. He is like the Donahue for the 21st century. I use to go there every day about 16 to 24 times and then I realized it was e-crack. So now I only go there once or twice, and that is only when I'm on the internet. Moderation.

Funny thing about our new Employee applications. One line in the education section says COLLAGE instead of COLLEGE. I shit you not. I will provide "vicual proff" of this some other time as I am violating several Hippa or whatever laws and storing these valuable treasures for my tell all masterpiece on the Meat Biz.

Speaking of the Biz. We had a guy pass out in his motel room over the weekend. Evidently, he tried to drill out his tooth with a drill from Home Depot. After he woke up, he went back to Home Depot and got his money back because he said it, "wasn't the right size." I informed him in the staff meeting this morning that there was this new thing in town called a dentist. It brought the house down. Oh that witty collage manager is "fookin funnier than hell." The Los Angeles Times gives my staff meetings 3 and one half stars....

If and when I get a YOUTUBE channel, I can promise it will be the bomb and the shizzle.

T

The reason for my absense? Why so long? What gives?

This is easy. I was transported through time by the Tralfamadorians to Tralfamadore. And so it goes...then I got briefly detained by the state of Texas because I got caught up in the Mormon cult thingy in Eldorado...but then this judge decided to uphold this old document called the Constitution of the United States of America. You may of heard of it, it used to be all the rage in the tabloids on the late 18th and early 19th century before more impotant things like Brittany's crotch and celebrities adopting foreign children of the sweat shop workers that make there $800 signature handbags and perfume. Where was I?

Oh yes, they said I had to go to rehab, but guess what I said? I said no. Then I said it again. But after I said it like 400 times a day. I just didn't want to hear it anymore. So now I just...I just sit around mostly....AND

I work back at the meat office.

Just yesterday I laughed all day long because we had a new guy come in and fill out an application. The question on the standardized form reads, Have you had any tickets or accidents in the last five years? If yes, please explain. New guy puts. "Ya." Then puts, "no enshorins". Of course, he went to "MHS" as he states on application. I hired him. As they say in Animal House, "we need the dues."

I have gone through a change. (nothing sexual, although I might be willing to learn iykwimaityd.) Whatever I would have written on here would have been serious and sometimes uplifting just meaningful stuff....and NOT the shmarmy sarcasm that you the single reader come to expect on this forum. They say you should fake it until you make it. But I never really understand that.

NOT the shmarmy sarcasm that you the single reader come to expect on this forum

I dont like hypocrites, especially when it is me. So this is the time in life to point fingers and keep score. The only rules are that you have to be in front of mirror to play. Got that? I know what your thinkin. There he goes again.....or man is that fucked up...or I'm glad that's not me. Unfortunately or fortunately, depending on the where and how of your circumstance of perpetual motion in time, you too can transport. So if you made it this far down without getting bored or moving on to bewbies.com or hateliberaltexans.org or doublefistedcashwhoringpoliticiansthathavegaysexatchurch.gov then I will let you behind the secret curtain of OZ.

I quit smoking over two months ago, then just for shakes and giggles, and believe me I was shakin......... I quit drinking. That was July 21st and despite the sentence structure and all over the place above, I haven't had a drink since.

SO. What have you guys been up to?

Keepin it Flat

This logic should be familiar.

Final Four fictitious quote:

“I’d like to thank Jesus Christ, Vishnu, Mohammed, and the Dali Lama for my performance tonight. I thank Jesus cause hey….it’s Jesus..know what I’m saying. I thank Vishnu for my under the backboard layups cause I think he helps me switch arms in mid air…hes has a lot of arms that Vishnu. Then my peeps are always saying that I can bomb threes from mid court like Mohammed can bomb. Plus, I been kicked off this team like the Dali Lama got thrown out of Tibet, cept I got to come back…maybe if the Lama could play ball the Chinks would let him back on too.”

And starting at power forward, a 5’6 senior from Lhasa, Tibet, his holiness the Dali Lama.

Random ESPN pundit “it all comes down to who can make shots…if the Lama can dribble penetrate the Carolina D and kick out to his monks for some good looks around the arc, then I look for them to advance.”

And another random ESPN pundit, “I spoke to the Lama about this game at the shoot around on Tuesday and he answered some of his critics that say he incited a riot on his own team…he said that’s all behind them now and they are focused on winning by non-violent means.”

By the way….

Our new goat ropers we recruited to play football in Lubbock are even bigger than the goat ropers we recruited last year. I got a chance to go to Tech practice the other day and I can report that the DEFENSE…yes, I said defense…looks good.





After Monday, all we got left is the Masters. I love the Masters. Tweet tweet…tweet tweet…thwack…clap clap clap….que the soft piano music and the gentle voice of Jim Nantz…

I also love the golfer introductions at the first tee…(thick southern drawl) “and on the tee from Key Biscayne, Florida the (insert Championships won and year..this may take a while)…TiGUH WOODS…clap clap clap.



After Sunday night…all that is cool in sports is over until August…cept the Red-Black game.

Nascar race in Ft. Worth this weekend

This picture comes from Liberally Lean.

BEES

I put most of garden in the ground yesterday. I used an aerator I rented from Home Depot. Cost about $50 for 24 hour rental. The rest of the plot and rows I prepared by hand. The onions and garlic I put in the ground about 10 days ago. Yesterday, I decided to gamble that we would not get another freeze here in the Hub, so in the ground went 3 varieties of peppers, 4 varieties of tomatoes, sweet corn, green and yellow squash, spinach, okra, cucumbers, and 2 varieties of beans.

I have herbs left to plant. Everything but the tomatoes and peppers I did from seed.

All I have left to do is flowers. I am going to plant a great deal of flowers that are organic....yes, organic. You see, I have been fascinated by the reports of the decline in honey bees. Fascinated and concerned. From what I have read, the bees do better with a variety of pollen producing flowers. There is also some concern that the genetically engineered plants aren't very healthy for bees. There is some concern that they aren't very healthy for people either.

Gasoline...higher food prices...bee decline...even higher food prices equals time to turn lemons into lemonade.

If you aren't aware, honey bees pollinate a great deal of the fruits and vegetables that we all eat.

Here is what I'm thinking. I am going to build a bee habitat.

“If the bee disappeared off the surface of the globe then man would only have four years of life left. No more bees, no more pollination, no more plants, no more animals, no more man.”

-Albert Einstein

Slaughterhouse Five

On my trip back home from Decatur, I listened to Slaughterhouse Five by Kurt Vonnegut on audio via CD. (Ethan Hawke does an amazing job on this.) It was great. I am definitely going to experience more books in this way.

Decatur

What Decatur really needs is a Barnes and Noble and a Costco and the cycle of Planoization will be complete. PROGRESS indeed!

Ponderosa Bar B Que

If your ever out Dickens way, be sure and grab some of this grub. Good people and excellent authentic Texan cuisine. Were talkin if you knew this was your last meal this is what you want good.

To whomever was doing the Seymour Lady Indians softball radio broadcast Friday night,

You guys need to bottle that up and sell it nationwide. Good stuff.

Guthrie bypass

Thank God it is almost done! The damn traffic in that town rivals the 405 in L.A. PROGRESS indeed! (I think "they" saw what happened to Austin in a decade and "they" aint gonna have that shit up in Guthrie by God.)

No Country for Old Men

I was having an almost perfect weekend. Old friends, family, pleasant and good times. Great ride there, great ride back, everything is all good. So I'm sitting with my locale buds at the gettin beer place. We are winding down and close to going home as we are discussing movies. I say Michael Clayton was cool. blah blah... I am Legend..blah blah.. Then outta nowhere K says, "Dont watch that No countree for ole men movee...it sucks!"

I say, "O'rly" (I am a huge fan of this movie and all that is Coen Brothers....as if you can't tell.)

K says, "I like that one dude with the cowboy hat and the monee...then all the sudden hees deaad..don know wha happen..what thee heell is tha?...and tha ending aint no ending."

Now R is looking at me and I am giving that look back that says this fucking guy is an illiteretard ....even though he is entitled to his opinion... even though it totally sucks. You know what I'm sayin?

Friday all over the place

-Business is good. I thought that making more money would make me happy and as it turns out, I was right. Like a rolling stone in reverse going uphill, now that i have something to lose I don't want to lose it.

-Helmut got back from his Ireland-Wales-Scotland trip. He said that the hookers over there are hotter than the American hookers here. Further proof that the United States is falling behind the rest of the world. Thanks for the Guinness hat:)

-Ron should get an Elvis jumpsuit and fat shades and just live his life walking around like that.

-Texas Tech baseball radio broadcasters are terrible. SO far this season, they have spent most of their time explaining how much "insider" information they know about Tech athletics. Which is great if that's what gets you off. As for me, I would like to know THE SCORE and the situation updated pitch by pitch....i.e. Baseball game announcing. I told their boss last night that I would still listen. I am not going to name names here, but a reliable inside source at the radio station confirmed just last night that they are training a chimp and a three year old to take over next season. For $139 dollars you too can get the rest of the scoop.

-The Big Dance-March Mayhem-Madness-Mania update. If Texas makes it to the final game , and Davidson wins tonight but loses Sunday, and UMass advances to the third place game of the NIT, then I can get in the tie breaker for 4th place. Damn Duke screwed me.

-Jericho got canceled AGAIN. I got into the show 3 weeks ago. Basically, the show is about a big company staging a nuclear "terrorist" attack on the U.S. and using this to take over the government...blah, blah, blah....that'll never happen. Hey CBS...what happened to all of the Hispanics? Did they die?

-Finally, Kinsey is the coolest person in Lubbock County next to Ron if he indeed decides to spend his life in an Elvis jumsuit with fat shades.

Suit UP or Shut UP!

Liberally Lean

(dont worry wisereunion.com...I'm bringing my own rope...I'm coming home just to see you:)

Please pay attention to the anonymous soldier comment. No one can be for certain how authentic it is, but I believe this is one of our own in Iraq, and it gives me great patriotic pride to know that this person wears the uniform and is unafraid to state his (or her) mind. May you get home and live a long and happy life!


As for the rest of it. Please read and enjoy this classic by John Conlee.

Hey Ron!

Funny or Die

Green Team and Ron Burgundy's interviews are cool. Will Ferrell and anything with the little girl named Pearl is genius.

I'd Rather Eat Arby's Out of an Old Man's Butthole

This is one of the funniest things I have ever read.

I'd Rather Eat Arby's Out of an Old Man's Butthole

Love that money..yow!

Dear Lord baby Jesus, or as our brothers in the south call you, "Jezus," we thank you so much for this bountiful harvest of Dominos, KFC, and the always delicious Taco Bell. I just want to take time to say thank you for my family. My two beautiful, beautiful, handsome striking sons, Walker, and Texas Ranger, or TR as we call him. And of course my red hot smokin' wife Carley, who is a stone cold fox.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zKDC2iBQTYg&NR=1

Cruisin down the street in my 64

Shatner's birthday

There are two kinds of people in this world. There are Chuck Norris fans and there are Shatners. I'm a Shatner.

There are distinctions between the two. Chuck Norris peeps watch Conan(which is ghey)...are toothpaste tube roller uppers, and make up retarded comments about the stock market and economy. "The Feds going to have to bail us out again."....whatever Dude...Usually, but not always...the Norris peeps majored in something completely boring in college like Accounting. They also have Creed songs on their Ipod and think its cool to put the headphones to your ear and make you listen. Ya and also they still say 'brah' and 'wasssss up' and put their arms in the air during football games 'dont leave me hangin...BRAH.'

Shatner has followers. In fact, if Shatner started a religion (which he should) it would be bigger than Elvis. Especially after Shatner intervenes on the Earth's behalf in 2012 and stops the Mayan apocalypse, which I read last night is being covered up by the government to avoid a global panic. No PANIC HERE....Shatner is on it!

Want more proof? Who is the better cop? Walker: Texas Ranger (which is totally offensive to real Texans and real Texas Rangers by the way) or T. J. Hooker. Just look at the opening credits of each show and hands down its Hooker.
Who is the better badass? Some movie about death karate or Star Trek? There is no contest. Shatner does the babes, whups the Romulans and Klingons ass at the same time, and still has energy left over to 5 movies. When will the Walker movie be out? Exactly.

Norris does a nice job of pitching home gyms, i will give him that...still not even half the salesman Shatner is. Priceline.com versus 12 second abs...See?

This post was supposed to be about William Shatner turning 77. He does today.

My Saturday in Lubbock

First, I went to the mall EARLY. It was great not having to wade through the throngs of illegals buying faux gold longhorn chains and pimping their cell phones at the cell phone pimping kiosk. I shit you not people...they gots that here!

I was done at Dilliards by 11:30. I was lucky to find the one polo left that didn't look like it was designed by the rap group Kriss Kross. ALL I want is a blue shirt, small red horse on pocket...not that hard. It was until i got some help. Thanks to the coolest salesperson I was able to get my dealio and get out before the Goliad reinactment took place...ya, ya...i know..I being back handed...so what.

I watched the Longhorns beat the land theives in basketball with the Maggie dawg. She is slowing down but doing great.

I met up with Plecker at Bash's about 3:30. I had a bloody mary and taught a 20 something Co-ed how to operate a vintage jukebox. I played Jump by Kriss Kross. It was wickity wickity wickity wack. I love Bash's. It is the ultimate in people watching. I stayed there quite a while. Plecker took off for a kid birthday party. I felt bad for him. Kid birthday parties are the suckage....unless your the kid.

About 8pm, I met the other three Democrats in Lubbock County. Very good times! The mom, daughter, boyfriend trio was full of great stuff. We hit it off immediately and talked for hours. Then they convinced me to go to a house party in Tech Terrace. It was quite a scene. Kids drinking beer and picking guitar. I got hit up for a beer run. I felt like I was back in school for a while. We were the only people dancing. I was the oldest male there.

The night ended sorta bad. I was dancing with the daughter and boyfriend got jealous. So they had a little spat but nothing major. So we all left. It was too bad for me, I really liked that one.

I had a Josie's juevos ranchero burrito on the way home. Somewhere in all that I managed to win a trivia game and beat my alltime high score at Galaga.

Gary Stewart is the greatest honky tonk singer of all time

Fun with addletters

Raider Power is having some fun with it.

Lubbock Centennial

Baby dont get hooked on me

The best part about this whole shindig is Mac Davis is going to perform. Hell Yes! It's Sunday at the "Bubble" which is now reffered to as the City Bank Coleseum. It's 5 bucks and I hear that Joe Ely and Barry Corbin are going to be there as well.

100 years of Lubbock and you still can't get a 6 pack at the Swami Mart.

I hear people bitch and moan about this all the time but I dont care. Besides, if you need a beer, it isn't the worst place in the world to be in. Which brings me to my Lubbock Conspiracy theories.

The two greatest things about living in Lubbock.

First and foremost, you can get a beer in a frosty mug at any daytime and most nighttime hours for under 2 bucks. It it isn't no sissy beer either. I know for a fact the Spoon has 1.25 Schooners all DAY...Everyday!

The second is just a freak deal, but hear me out. This only applies to me but if I am listening to local Lubbock radio and I flip around the stations, within 10 minutes a Carlos Santana song will be playing. It's so true. I have lived here on and off for years and its either Black Magic Woman, Oy ya Como Va, or that one he did with the dude from Matchbox 20.

Those are the greatest things besides Red Raider Football, the Llano winery drunken art festival, and tailgating...plus the weather which is blowing dirt right now as I type. That is not the actual name of the Art Festival but it should be.

My friend...good ole TF!

He and his wife are expecting a baby girl. They are picking through various names and his criteria is simple. If it sounds like a stripper name, then it is out. I was in his office the other day and he was doing the constipated-stoner DJ voice of any strip joint in America, you know what I'm talking about. "Now welcome to the stage...Kashmir!" Kashmir gets my vote for the name, by the way but i betcha its going to be Gertrude or Hillary..ha! j/k Tit...

David Dewhurst Ad

There is one on local televison about how he is going to make sure only
U.S. citizens get to vote and how he is going to enforce this if he gets elected. Sounds good David! Is that one running on Telemundo too? I'm actually for this but it isn't like his opponent John Sharp is saying he wants to let illegals vote...sheesh!

He isn't going to pull my vote becasue he was Gov. Rick Perry's chairman for Homeland Security and he is going to spend 14 million or somesuch to get elected. Anyone that can spend that much money to get elected isn't doing so if they dont think its a good investment for themselves. Save the 'serve the citizens' speech for the locksteppers Dave..I'm not buying.

There is a great article about David Dewhurst here.


John Sharp is the former Comptroller that saved Texas from having a state income tax back in the early 90's. I'm voting for him.

Caucuses?

Evidently, we have to go to a caucus after the primary election. That gives me tired head.

You're Hired!

Talent pays more than training, of that I am now convinced. I hired two normal males in the 28-30 year old range. They are rocking! It turns around that fast. Notice I stated 'normal'. Normal in this case means damn near Mormon without actually being Mormon. No tattoos, prior convictions, or substance abuse problems. They both have families. It's a great deal because they are not afraid to turn the wheels of commerce.

Cha-ching

Our rivals in Amarillo and Albuquerque both stated they would beat us here in Lubbock this week. If you added up their combined production, they missed winning by 100. Reminded me of this years football game against A&M. One of their player gauranteed a win. Tech 35 A&M 7.

Bill Clinton came to Lubbock

Never thought I would state this but I wish he was running. More than that, I wish Al Gore was running. There was a big crowd, but in the paper the next morning the pictures of the crowd in attendence looked like the cast from The Grapes of Wrath.

The Government is Broken

Step 1. File taxes.

Step 2. Get check from the 'stimulus package'

Step 3. Pay 40% more for goods and services.

Go look up on wikipedia the Weimar Republic. It worked out pretty good for them. I know, I know....some of you will think, that cant happen to us. This is America! Well, we have done this before in the latter half of the 1920's. The next thing that happened was called the Great Depression.

YADA, yada...Roger Clemens meet Karma.

I want to believe he didn't. I really do. Then I think, what does this matter? The Yankees cheat, OU cheats, the Patriots cheat. Makes it sweeter when the cheaters lose. Back to Roger. No Red Sox were mentioned in the Mitchell Report. hmmmm.

More Baseball

The Red Raiders start the new season on Friday afternoon. I will be there along with the other 15 people that care. Hopefully it will be better than last season. I have high hopes.

Knight

He quit on his team. I was disappointed in the facts and the spin more than anything. But now that it is done, I am happy we have Pat. The bottom line is until we can recruit more athletic players, it will be mediocre at best.

Fox and Hound videos (if I ruled the world)

Management of Fox and Hound, here my plea. Make a Kingfish video. Put it on, and play it continuously until I leave. That is all I ask.

Druggie revisited

The owner of our company is big softie and hired the drug addict back. He promptly returned from a days work with the truck damaged. Evidently, he found time during his hectic day of scoring hits to sell some meat. I just dont know how he does it, but he must have composed himself between tweaks and winks to close a deal or three.

Nothing good will come of this....

Josephina Dirt brought her 15 year old daughter to work today. She said, "she has a project due for career day at school. is it ok if she rides with me and learns something."

Totally caught offguard and containing the inner laugh I replied, "ummmm yeah, well as long as she doesn't drive I'm ok with that."

"Oh she aint drivin on the highway, just going to follow along the street as I knock doors."

I'm thinking, what part of "as long as she doesn't drive" do you not understand.

"Ummm no, just let her tag along and help with the boxes."

They look at each other in the way that I just know they aren't going to comply. You know the look.

She flips her mane and says, "well okay."

Dude, it's Kashmir!

Stories from the Meat Office

We have a new Joe Dirt, except this one is a woman. Picture Kentucky waterfall hairdo on a skinny chick that likes old fast cars. I swear, I am not making this up.

The best part is, that with her we have FINALLY been able to crack into the goldmine of business in and around trailer park communities. Thats right people! Don't judge. The first thing you need to know about trailer parks is, these people have a surprising amount of disposable income. Second, they have a big appetite for great steak. It's January and most people are recieving their tax refund checks so its party time. I love America!

When one doors opens, another closes...or something like that. While we added a bright new star to our team, we lost another. Our recovering crack/meth/alcoholic hit on the wrong door (evidently a crack house), and he was promptly tempted and obliged. Then amazingly, he went on a selling spree that crashed and burned out last week. I had to fire him the other night for attempting to sell our company truck and stealing company money. Such a shame because I thought he was going to beat it. WRONG. But through his difficult trials to come in coping with addiction, I hope he learns one thing. In America, only the government can sell something they dont own and you damn sure can't sell a meat truck to a car lot in Lubbock, without a clear title.

Moving On

I am major pumped about a new bowling shirt my mom got me on her visit to Graceland. It's badass, and if you see me at Fox wearing it, YOU will say something cool to me. That's what I like about it the most. Not that it looks good on me, but it brings a good positive vibe over people around me. Isn't that cool?


Say Anything clip

Mayor of Lubbock?

My friend Bob Plecker thinks I should run for mayor of Lubbock. Let me rephrase that, when Bob Plecker is drinking beer, he thinks I should be mayor of Lubbock. I can't lie, I would like to do that job. But before I would agree to even run for that office, I would need some kind of platform or ideas to put forth to better the biggest small town in America.

Idea #1-Mayor of Lubbock gets $2 pints in all bars in town. (this one seems selfish but trust me when I state this, we need a mayor that knows the pulse of the people and the bars here are a great reflection of the general welfare here.)

Idea #2-All city employees will be required to speak with a heavy Texan accent while at work. I have no good reason to do this, I just think it will be funny.

Idea #3-Make the McDougals purchase a small Carribean island and 2 Jumbo jets then deed it over to the city. Then citizens can petition me on how they got screwed over by them and I can make arrangements to get them out of town for some vacation. Will bill em for the gas.

Idea #4-The city will build a new Buddy Holly museum worthy of the man's achievements. Then we can get the Depot back as at was circa 1989.

Idea #5-Rock and Roll festival that kicks major ass. And if this means cededing the Jones for a week to get a beer at the show...then SO BE IT. If Tech doesn't like it they can move to Lazbuddie. I probably cant make this happen, but you have to admit that would be great. Warm Summer evenings...cold beer..STONES, U2, WILLIE!

Idea #6-HELLO....ITS WINDY HERE EVERY DAY! Make LP&L build wind farms until we generate enough power to sell to the Yankees living along the I-35 corridor. Just think, LP&L slogan could be....so good, we pay you to live here!


Platform- I know, I know, I know....it's the cameras stupid! Here it is. How about we take all of the cameras and send them to Afghanistan. Then the army can put them up all over the place there to help find Bin Laden. Just because they cant find him in eight years doesn't mean I have to spend the rest of my life being watched every waking second. This is Lubbock, Texas and there is no need to live in a police state that makes East Berlin look like Club Med.


Other than the facts like I have no real experience in city administration or politics and I have strong disdain for bureuacrats. I do have a promise. I will not screw it up as bad as the last three or four mayors have, and I will not take a bribe unless its a really huge check and I can do it legally.

Football season end game

Another season is officially over for me. I dont care about the Super Bowl. Insert Duane Thomas quote here.

Here is a review of my teams and performance in order of emotional importance.

1. Texas Tech-Good season, would have been great had we beat Texas in Austin. After that game, all was lost then the Red Raiders went and beat OU. Plus they won the Gator Bowl and my mom won me a Gator Bowl watch at the game...thanks mom.

2. Decatur Eagles- Playoffs as usual. I think they won a game there, or maybe not. Need to get to a couple of those games next year, but season tickets for Tech take priority.

3. Dallas Cowboys- The first season I have taken more than a casual interest in a decade. My casual interest turned to obsession for about the last month. Somehow, I knew it was a bad deal to get involved again. I could go on and on about this. This video expresses my emotions today.

The Dirt Doctor and the funny stuff you like to read here

I am preparing for a big garden. I was actually doing the plan today and researching some stuff online when I ran across The Dirt Doctor.

http://www.dirtdoctor.com/newhome.php

Things that surprise me about this site.

1. The Dirt Doctor is a Tech grad.

2. He has been on the radio for some time...IN D-FW. I haven't been paying attention.

3. The Forums are lively with discussion, which is nice because I have conflicting advice on gardening so far.


Kingfish Garden Items

Vegetables:

3 varieties of tomatoes (roma, beefsteak, and something else)
squash
corn
okra
black eyed peas
spinach
carrots
broccoli
onions

Herbs:

basil
oregano
3 types of hot peppers (Serrano, Anaheim, and something else not habanjero)
bell peppers (green and red)
garlic
cilantro
chives
mustard greens

I WANT A MINIATURE DONKEY!!!!!

I wonder if it is against city ordinance. I wonder if I can get a farm exemption. I wonder if the donkey will tear shit up. What good can come of this, other than having a mini donkey around. Probably wont happen, but I am thinking of making an addition to our small family here. Maggie (thats my dog) is getting older and I think another dog might help keep here on her toes.

I have my heart set on either a German Shepherd or a Boston Terrier or both. The problem is more dogs equals more problems, such as feeding and care. But nevertheless, I am jealous of my friend Todd. He has a Boston Terrier named Yoda. I call him Yaz, because I am a Red Sox fan and I think all dogs of this breed should be named after Red Sox baseball players. Somebody cool out there has a Boston Terrier named Curt or Manny or Popi. I might go with Ted. If you dont get it, then you just dont.

As for German Shepherds, we have always had great luck with this breed in my family. In fact, Maggie is half German and half Border Collie. Would kill to have another dog like her again in this lifetime, but its hard to exceed perfect. With that thought, I may just stand pat with the old Maggie Dog and stop with her after she is gone. Boy I hate to think about that, but one day there will be no more Maggie. I always wondered how much money I would have to cough up to get her cloned. Much cheaper to get a taxidermist involved......AND...

Why not get her stuffed! After all, people get animals stuffed after they shot them. Weird how they never lived with the animal or even gave it a name, but instead shot it and now have it prominantly hung over the fireplace. Nothing wrong with that, right? Then why would it be wierd to have a much beloved family pet stuffed? "Yep, that's old Scraps over there...we got him posed that way cause he loved to piss on the geraniums....and over thare's Fifi...damn poodle loved to hump the chair."

What's up at the Meat Office?

Other than getting two trucks repo'd and firing 6 people, nothing much. I hear the Christmas party was a huge success (out for personal reasons). Success being defined as only two folks were strung out on hallucinagenic and psycolotrophic narcotics. Other than that, there was nothing more than your average copying your ass on the Xerox type banter and fun. In abstentia, I got a plaque that said TOP SALESMAN. I got it the other day and I was so proud of myself until I found out that 8 other people got the same plaque. I wonder if that would look good on a resume?

Got a phone call from a guy that was looking for work, so I booked him an interview.

He asked, "Do you accept felonies?"

I said, "depends on what kind..is it like a murder or rape type felony? or an average type theft felony?"

"Which one do you accept?"

I said, "well tell me, do you have a driver's liscence?"

"no man, they takes it away cause I aint paid up my child support."

"hmmmm...well, I am sorry for the confusion but I thought it was clear from the ad that we needed driver's."

"ya well, I just wanted to make sure."

"Thanks for coming in..good luck"

In my mind I hear the voice of Lumbergh....UMMMM YEAH OKAY.

The AD in Pravda said plainly, Driver's wanted...work today get paid today..etc, etc.

Conjugal Visits announce reunion

At last, I am proud to announce that my band Conjugal Visits has decided to reunite for a New Years Eve gig at the Fox and Hound in Lubbock, TX. We have been jamming together for a couple of weeks now, and have put together some new tunes to go along with our normal lineup for the show.

For those of you that don't remember or have simply forgot, here is a rundown of our triumphant and somewhat tumultuous past. My musical career started out when a few young lads from my neighborhood started a cover group called, John McEnroe tennis racket Air Guitar Supply. We played a few living rooms and backyard barbecues in the late 70's and early 80's. One evening, we were playing the Sheriff's office wife swap bash when our tape recorder batteries went dead. Suddenly, everyone realized that it wasn't us, but a recording made with a microphone of Solid Gold. Solid Gold was a show hosted by Marilyn McCoo that spat out the top hits on the chart every week. Our brief but successful career was over and we parted ways.

Later in college, I was on Spring Break at South Padre Island when I was introduced to the magical sounds of C&C Music Factory and the duo group Milli Vanilli. I remember it now as a turning point in my voyage through life. I was passed out in a port-a-shitter next to a tequila bar one morning when through the vents I heard the notes that would change my life forever..."buh buh buh....buh buh buh..BABY..dont forget my NUMBER" I was like, yeah man..thats the shit! and where am I?....is this heaven?...did I O.D? Then next I heard THIS.

I was mistakenly sure I was indeed in heaven, but it wasn't like the preacher described back at church. Surely God had more money than to have the gates of heaven be a plastic door to a chemically hygiene toilet. Anyway, I soon discovered that I wasn't dead but that God had given me a second chance, and with that chance I needed to do something with my life to make it meaningful. After all, I didn't want to die alone without making some kind of 15 minute mark.

So I struck back for home, but before I could get on the road, I took one last trip to Mexico. That night, I got arrested by the Federalies at the border for smuggling street tacos and extra strength no doze. Everyone knows they dont need a reason. But Lo and behold, God sent another sign. In the Matamoros jail, I ran into my old pal from the John McEnroe tennis racket Air Guitar Supply days. It was none other than TR (TR stands for Tape recorder) Roger. We talked for hours about our lives. I found out that TR Rog had been working at various brothels and titty bars along the border perfecting his skills. He called it "two tape recorders and a microphone." I was like, "Dude, that's exactly what I have been looking for." Thus Conjugal Visits was born. I'd rather not say how we came up with the name of the band, it's not as cool as you might think.

We started almost immediately plotting our conquest. You may remember our first album. We released it as an import on our independent label Aborted Inc. It was simply called, Conjugal Visits. We had a small hit and got some airplay with our Reggae remake of No Woman No Cry. TR Rog would mix in some Ratt Round and Round over the part where the back up singers are supposed to sing "no WOman no Cry." Our fans loved it but the Boquillas Times critic didn't see it that way at all, stating "the results of Conjugal Visits should be aborted, not incorparted." I, of course, responded in the editorial page with a letter. It said,

Dear Critic,

You misspelled Incorporated.

MC White Chocolate

Undeterred, Rog and I added another band member that we met after opening at karaoke night at Speeds pool hall. We knew we needed a female that would wear a leather bra and a mini skirt. She called herself Yummy. She was a part time stripper and was studying cosmetics at a local university. Her voice was like a constipated monkey on acid, and what resulted was the birth of Gothic music, at least that is what the insert of our vinyl limited edition remix album said. Rog recorded the sound of dolphins having sex under water from an old VHS of Mutual of Omahas Wild Kingdom. From that, Yummy would screech "I feel dirty! Put some soap on me!" Then I would be background singing, "let's get it on", just like a white guy singing Marvin Gaye. Looking back, I believe that hit from Chamillionaire probably was inspired by us.

It was about that time when Operation Desert Storm and Desert Shield was going, or maybe it was the other way around, anyway...war was in the air. Yummy and I convinced Rog we needed to do a protest album. Looking back, Weapons of Mass Destruction was way before its time. We did a live kazoo cover of Bob Dylan's Subterranean Homesick Blues WITHOUT the words. Admittedly, it didn't come off well on the album, but was a huge hit with the crowd at our gigs at that time. Another big hit for us was Why Can't we be trade Food for Oil to the tune of Why Cant we be Friends by War. We were sure this was going to be our breakthrough, but disappointing sales and the short duration of the war led to a shakeup in the band.

Yummy decided to go solo and Rog and I then hooked up with an actual musician that played organ at a small church. His name was Anal Roberts. (insert snicker here) From those jam sessions with Anal, we recorded several tracks that were originally on our unreleased Gospel album, Conjugal Visits Religion, then later found public domain on the greatest hits LP, Conjugal Visits Revisited. The best track of those being our tribute cover to Madonna's Papa don't Preach. When we recorded that song in the studio, it was engineered so only the trained ear can hear the sound of Rog playing the original Star Trek theme in the background when you play it backwards. Pretty damn cool.

From that point, we felt that as a band and as artists, we had reached a pinnacle that could not be surpassed. DJ Roger broke all ties and got a job with the National Security Agency. Anal Roberts left the country for Africa and tried missionary work, but it wasn't a fit. He later came back and got into pharmaceutical sales. I started and failed many other tribute band projects after the Conjugal breakup. My rap group C.W.A. (Crackers With AK-47's) had a small following in parts of Alabama and Mississippi but never took off on the big stage. I fell into a 10 year depression without my mates.

To everyone's surprise, Yummy and Anal had met on a networking personal website and began to date. They grew into love and decided to get married just last month. At the reception, TR Rog and I were coaxed into getting onstage and perform with Anal and Yummy. All of the old stuff just poured out and we knew that we had all found what we had been missing all these years.

Our new album is tentatively called Conjugal Visits: After Execution. I have included some statements below from yesterday's press conference announcing our comeback.

MC White Chocolate "We have decided to only cover dead artists on this album because, as a group, we were dead. In many ways, we can never be the band we once were, but by doing only songs by the dead, they and us..... can still speak today."

Yummy, "its not like were this old band that got back together to do just reunion shows together, we also want to say that we can make another album, maybe not as good as the ones you used to buy and like, but maybe you'll buy this one and hope it is as good as the old ones that were good, you know what I'm saying."

TR Roger "Recorded music re-recorded still has an audience man. We do want to prove that we can still record in that way.... because that is the essence that made us the art in artistic ways that no other people thought possible."

Anal "I just want to say that I am in pharmaceuticals...you know..and we were..in our time...just like the generic drugs that are sold today..accept we are in music you know."


Random reporter, "What about the new audience and generation that have never heard of you, how will you sell in the Internet driven media?"

MC White "Let me just answer that by saying this. We originated pirating others music and passing it off as our own."



Our show lineup for New Years Eve:

Gonna Make You Sweat (Sanford and Son theme mix)
Hawaii 5-O / CHiPs theme interpretive dance
Papa Don't Preach
Subterranean Homesick Blues
Lost in Love/ Folsom Prison Blues mix
Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald (video bouncing ball sing along)
A Capella Kashmir
Baby Don't Forget My Number/ Girl, I'm gonna miss you/ Oops, I Did it again (light show mix)
Dukes of Hazzard theme in spoken word


Hope to see you at the show and may you have a Conjugal Visits New Year!

Float On

Float On was a semi-popular song from the 70's by The Floaters aptly enough. I would provide a link but I'm being lazy and I don't feel like wasting your time. Basically the song......oh snap...the semi-retarded guy that works for me got a new cell phone for Christmas and it plays the damn OU fight song when it rings. It is too perfect around here most nights. Meat Store...late night...retarded guy that loves OU....carne guisada burrito....smoking cigarettes.

The words of David Byrne and Brian Eno roll through my head

Once in a Lifetime

And you may find yourself living in a shotgun shack
And you may find yourself in another part of the world
And you may find yourself behind the wheel of a large automobile
And you may find yourself in a beautiful house, with a beautiful wife

And you may ask yourself: Well...How did I get here?

Letting the days go by; let the water hold me down
Letting the days go by; water flowing underground
Into the blue again; after the money's gone
Once in a lifetime; water flowing underground.

It is my favorite Talking Heads tune.

So anyway, before I was rudely interrupted by the Boomer Sooner song I was about to launch into this analysis of 70's soft rock and groove that centered around infidelity and picking up chicks. It was going to be a masterpiece, but never mind. I will instead just give you the Sportcenteresque highlights.

The best in my opinion is Give it to me Baby by Rick James. Before you click the link and listen, which I highly suggest you do if you would like to be put in a damn good mood instantly, focus on the lyrics. Rick is saying that he got drunk and would like to make love. He doesn't want to hear any excuses because no matter what the excuse is, Rick is going to make it bad ass. Cool right? I'm very sure its his answer to Loretta Lynn's Don't Come Home a Drinkin.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XFmQAQ9EDeM


Consequences





Please enjoy my second favorite tune from the Talking Heads and read on. I remember picking this CD up a few years back. I never would play it for my small town buddies for fear of being outcast from them for having music taste. It's not to say they didn't have any, they did, I did, we did. I just that unwritten rule of herd mentality. It's what I like to term as grey-ghey. More on this later..time to go.

New Year Resolution tips

Its a rare day that I give advice on life skills. Here are a few that have worked for me recently, so I thought I might share.

1. Shut up and listen.

Simple concept but very hard to accomplish. I'm not going to ramble on and explain the upside to this. Try it and maybe you will learn something about yourself and gain better relationships with others.

Example: Employee with no brains because they have been strung out on drugs since the latter part of the 20th century starts explaining the intricacies of meat business to you. (it doesn't have to be the meat business..but work with me here.) Instead of arguing the concepts such as economy of scale and business ethics, try nodding your head and pretend like you are actually listening. It makes them feel validated. If they ask you a question, simply say verbatim this exact phrase. "hmmm...you know you might have something there. I'll look into it." Then you never do and they forget anyway so it's a win-win for everyone. This will work well whenever the subjuect of resolutions comes up around the shop, trust me.

2. Get ahead and then stay there.

It's easy to win when your ahead in the game, and this works for resolutions too. Did any of the U.N. resolutions work in Iraq? or anywhere else for that matter. Have any of your past personal resolutions worked out well? If your answer is not NO, then it should be. Why torture yourself with tons of goals and life changing 4 e-z payments of $19.95 bullshit. (unless its a really cool Time-Life Sounds of the 70's collection.) Without a resolution, or an even worse plurality of such, you will spare yourself another let down.

3. Torture the people around you.

Be the guy that suggests the buffet for lunch at the office on January 2nd. Be the girl that sleeps around with the every new hire that walks through the door. Okay, that may not be torture. Hell, sleep with the boss too while your at it. I'm just throwing these out because I think I would like to meet the office trollope with "quit banging the guys at work" as a resolution. Those people exist.
What good will this world be with more people feeling less than what they already do about their petty existence. Think about it. You have to fight fire with gasoline. Pour it on when they fail and watch them think twice about making more rules for 2009. I bet that monk that poured gasoline on himself in 1960 something wouldn't do that again.

4. If you must, try something that works.

If your unhappy with your circumstances, and feel the need for change. Just do this one thing every day and I promise things will get better for you.

Drink Alcohol.


Just kidding. But if you have an addiction problem, like internet midget porn or qualudes before 7th grade homeroom...I suggest you try moderation. Oh great, now I sound like I've been watching reruns of Donahue on Beta, but I digress. Seriously, maybe your not a screwed up as everyone else by comparison. I know you have read this thought before from me, but it never hurts to hang out with people that have less going for them than you do. It always helps my self esteem, and that after all is the trancedence of mind we all seek. Que the Pink Floyd man!

5. Parting with old aquaintences

Why should we forget them again? I never understood that song or how the entire cast of Love Boat never got a paying gig after years of powerful acting performances. Plus, I must admit that I do not know the words. I usually start out fine like everyone else with the lyrics, but it gets garbled and mixed in my head...and I still do not understand why we are supposed to forget everyone and never something something something...auld lang's eye or ain or whatever..just give me a kiss and dont spill the champagne.

Wes Welker cannot be stopped

http://www.boston.com/sports/football/patriots/articles/2007/12/03/yes_welker/

I'm completely biased about the subject of this article, but give it a read. The next sentence makes me smile. Wes Welker is the greatest player I have ever seen put on a Red Raider uniform. I remember being at the Tangerine Bowl a few years back and this Clemson fan we were tailgating next to said, "Your best player couldn't even start for us." He was talking about Wes.

Wes returned a punt for a touchdown to break open the game. After the end, the same guy stops me as we were getting into the car to return to Lubbock. I will never forget his face after I said, "Wes Welker cannot be stopped."

If symptoms continue..

This is day 87 or so of coughing, sneezing, and general bad health. I think last year was the only time I did not get ill during the change in seasons. I didn't work, I ate healthy, and lost a ton of weight because I was getting pumped at the gym. The weight is still off, I eat semi-healthy, and I get little aerobic exercise. I am sick because I work all the time.

Work=sick and Unemployed=healthy.

That doesn't exactly fit into Immanuel Kant's 'categories', but I'm no German philosopher and all I wonder about is how cool it was for him to just sit around and think and write. From what I remember from college, he isolated himself from his friends, and made up this stuff to ponder that hardly anyone other than the professors and eager debate students really cared to understand. I was the debater that quoted him, but didn't fully grasp the content. However the perception that I did understand come to find out proves some of his writing true....I guess.

One thing I like about my limited knowledge and understanding of philosophy, is that it's like hanging out with fat people. First, most people I hang out with have no knowledge whatsoever. Those that do cant keep it straight. So by comparison, I feel better about myself having a 38 waist than having a 50 size IQ. It's all about space and time in this reality of dimensions.

Chick movies I like

I saw this movie called The Holiday this weekend. I guess it came out last year. It was good. I hate to admit this, but I watched way too much football this weekend and needed something different. Because I'm comfortable in my sexuality, I can admit that I like chick flicks.

Maggie Dawg Update

The greatest dog of all times is in good shape, although I think she is starting to slow down now. I use to get upset at her when she would crawl in bed while i was gone, spreading hair, leaves, and dirt all over the sheets. Now that she is 10, I don't get upset. I am just glad she is around to irritate me. What will irritate me more is when she isn't going to be around. Here's to a good 6 more years.

Political Pundit Shows

I tried to watch Meet the Press and be interested. The only thing I like about the show now is all of the historical footage from shows past. The current show with Tim Russert is good, but the content is just too depressing. Only so many ways to try and spin chicken shit into chicken salad.

The best of Sunday Morning jerk

CBS had an interview with Steve Martin yesterday morning. I never get tired of seeing that wild and crazy guy play the banjo. He said that he quit stand-up many years ago and has never been back, but I sure wish he would. One of my favorite songs as a kid was King Tut.

Worst last name ever.

I'm interviewing a man with the last name BASTARDO in the morning. It was hell holding in my laughter over the phone while booking that appointment. (looking at resume') "So Misterrrrr Bastardo? and your first name?...let's just go with that. What was your family life like growing up?...hahahaha..just kidding."

Thanks for nothing

Stay sexy Lubbock, you beautiful city by the bay! We got our first freeze a few weeks back, but now that turkeys are being glazed and the cotton is being stripped it's that time to give unwarranted (or unwauranteed) wisdom. I serve it up cold.

1. I give thanks that I'm not eating a Thanksgiving dinner in L.A. made by El Pollo Loco (it's a fast food chain) while wondering if my now ex- girlfriend is going to give me another scratch and right cross. It's the thought that matters this time of year, or is that saying reserved for Xmas? In any case, all I can say to you is, if the dinner sucks, order out to Pedro's Tamales.

2. I am thankful that I have no outstanding warrants or judgements like many of my employees do. Just today I got a letter from the Attorney General of Texas ordering such and such and lawyer talk to take money from an employee and give it to their office. I would do so, but the guy is an independent contractor. (Please feel free to give advice below on this if you know what I'm supposed to do here, my corporate office hasn't the slightest idea what to do either.)

3. I think it is remarkable how many people are hooked on dope, getting divorced, and have 6 children by four different parents. I don't know if that makes sense, but I think its great that despite my problems, others have it much worse. Face!

4. I am thankful that in 2007 The Police decided to tour again. That is the best thing that happened in my opinion. That and the fact that Notre Dame has lost 9 games. Must be a sign of the end times.

5. I think I made a decision regarding my personal political and religious beliefs. First, no religion. Second, no politics. Third, I worship the giver of unconditional love, the Maggie dog. But I am looking into Scientology, just for kicks. I was thinking of getting my salespeople some Bibles they could give away with every sale just to cover my ass if I'm wrong. (For those of you playing along at home, that is satire.)

6. If the devil is six, then God is Seven. The Pixies rock, and I'm thankful I am cool like the cool kids still whilst the rest of you are paying two grand so your offspring can see Billy Ray Cyrus's jail bait daughter. Achy Breaking your broke overmortaged behind on the 3 year lease payment on the 13 mile a gallon Hummer you thought would be pratical had the government not invaded a country for no reason but did it anyway because they lied to you and knew that you wouldn't really care. Time to unpimp your ignorance and get a VEEEE DUBYAH!

7. I am thankful for grain fed Black Angus cattle producers and meat packing plants. Without you I would still be struggling, and I am happy to be your middle man between you fine folks and the red meat eating world. Never mind that I eat organic food. Self corruption has an upside.

Ocho. I am thankful for my friends and family, and some but not all of the people I work for and with. Eat, be happy, and take a nap.

You want pumpkin pie with that?

I rarely eat fast food but today I got caught at work with no time so I went to Whataburger. Evidently, they sell pumpkin pie now. I guess maybe they are cashing in on the Halloween craze. Why is this Halloween holiday such a big deal that the employee that weighs 500 pounds must point out they sell pumpkin pie. "It's only 99 cents." Can I just get my preservatives and sodium and be on my way without being harassed? I hate advertising executives and I love them.

I hate the ones that come up with Toby Kieth and "This is our country" truck ads. I like the ones that came up with the double bubble butt and extra blubber ads. I hate that Subway continues to pound that assclown Jared, or Jarod, or whatever into my head. I'm still not buying no sammich in hopes of losing 470 million pounds. Workout and quit drinking soft drinks and the math works out in your favor. Only Whitey was fat in Leave it to Beaver, everybody else was skinny and had real ass pumkin pie at Mrs. Cleavers. Get it?

Maybe there isn't something there should be in the food, and maybe there is a whole lot of stuff there that shouldn't. I think by now you've heard that message. But then again, I know how tough it is to do the right thing in this culture. Must chase bucks to buy trucks, because after all our blubber asses aint gonna fit in no Pinto.

Weird Work Stuff

I hired a girl at work. She has a a big ring on her lip and wonders why people in Lubbock wont give her the time of day. No big deal, but I don't see how she has failed to make a connection. I hired a new guy this week with dime size holes in his ear with some sort of heavy duty plastic surrounding the hole that I suppose keeps it open. I asked, "does that hurt?" He said, "What?" I said, "the hole in your ear that I can see the back wall through." He smiled and said, "Yeah, sometimes."

Okay, I think to myself, if this is causing you pain and possibly a hinderence to your ability to sell food on commission, then maybe he might think of removing it. I'm guessing the hole isn't going to grow back, so screw it. No need to say anything. Like one of the "Bob's" said in Office Space. "He wont be recieving a check anymore, so it will just work itself out." SO instead of explaining my thought, I betrayed him and said, "Cool."

I work for one of those sales companies that promises the world in a 3 line want ad. It attracts some interesting characters. Hey, I answered it and look at me now. It's not like I'm doing blow on hookers asses on lear jet to Aculpulco (I wouldn't really do that.), but I'm getting ahead. Not sure anyone else is, and further, I am not sure I'm satisfied with that. Maybe it's best to avoid confrontations, and better yet remember that saying about the cover of a book. Or maybe that is just a cop out. Oh well, the checks don't bounce.

Don't you hate it when you had something extremely witty to type then you forget it?

I just did that.

"This is why I'm Hot"


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pVckVtf-7Lk

Watch this video, well maybe a few seconds of it. Ronnie G and I love this song. We like to change the lyrics. Like we sing together, "I forgot to pay my light bill...this is why I'm hot (repeat 40 times)"

So On and so on through the song.

"I wore a sweater in August...."

"I ran a marathon.."

It's shmarmy white people humor. I'm not going to pretend it isn't.

Coffee is for closers!

On the excuse for missing work front this week, we have had one Diabetes diagnosis and three children sick, but there is some good news. Remember the wife that got a fractured ankle? Miraculously, she came to the office without a cast or crutches to pick her husband up from work. She gave me the most curious look when I inquired about her health. Maybe the miracle cure had a side effect of abnesia. The heaps of bullshit I climb through require a body suit of false empathy.

In other businesses, I'm sure that type of behavior would yield a dismissal, but not here. Like pledging Flounder to Delta Chi in Animal House, "We need the dues." Speaking of fraternitites, I've been on quite a run selling meat to Greeks in the local area. I drive around neighborhoods looking for Greek letters on cars, pull in and exchange money for goods. I am more popular around the KA house now than I ever was in college. Finally, my affiliation is paying off. The guys want me to come out for the Margarita Bash with the Chi Omegas next weekend. Good times.

Positive "Mental" Attitude

It is amazing what the mind wonders off to if your not preoccupied with television and the state of affairs and court cases in Hollywood. I heard O.J. got arrested again. I don't care. I hear lots of things at the bar twice a week. My friends and I mostly talk about which 20 something young women are good looking and promiscuous. They all are, but evidently more attracted to the younger and less easy towards us. What do we really know? None of ever gives a real effort to find out. Besides, our bar reminds of the opening scene in King of the Hill with the dudes all lined up sipping beer and saying little. I'm not complaining. I've had more dates in the past three months than I've had in the last 5 years. This silver fox action on my head has some advantages.

It's just like that old saying about clubs. I don't want to join the ones that would have me as a member. That's a joke but there is truth in it. The truth is I just don't want to join the divorced with children club. I liken it to lost luggage on an airplane. One time a few years back, the airline delivered someones luggage to me and then refused to take it back. I finally traded for my stuff back, but only after a couple of weeks of hassle. Just last week I had to dump a woman I started dating a few weeks ago. 14 text messages a day with heart signs and kiss faces was just too much. (That is a huge red flag with the smiley face shaking its head.) The deal breaker is she would hang out at my bar waiting for me to come in, then would sit there and overindulge in public displays of affection. My friends were even embarrassed. What the real problem was is she was breaking our King of the Hill routine, and that simply cannot be done. I thought about changing my number and lying to her by giving her the Continental Airline baggage reclaim hot line, but that would be too mean. So I shot myself in the foot by ignoring her, but all that did was make her want me more.

Stories from the meat office.

I have an employee that works in the warehouse. His name is simply J. He is mentally retarded and can't read much beyond a third grade level. When I took over managing our office, I inherited his services. Honestly, he tries hard and he does do his best. I move past the fact that he can't count the inventory or keep a loading log straight, even though those are the two significant duties needed to fulfill the position. I keep him around for this reason. J likes to tell stories. J loves to tell the same story of a nude bar in Amarillo called The Jungle.

There is something hilarious about a goofy toothed Oklahoma native telling stories about strippers with chewing tabacco juice oozing from the canyon gaps between his teeth. I just remembered my mother reads this, so I will spare the details of the black stripper named "Cherry" and J. The stories always end with him giggling like a pre-pubescent male reading Penthouse forum letters. My wharehouse manager and I get a big kick out his musings. You just have to be here, which we are all the time.

I got this job because the last manager stole two nightly deposits over the Labor Day weekend and blew it on a crack binge. When I came back to work after the holiday, he hit me up for a $500 loan stating I would get in on the ground floor in a "business opputunity." I considered his application and decided that blowing my money on his crack habit was not a good investment, so I declined. He promptly left the office with his wife and two kids and I haven't seen him since. Such a shame, 10 years waiting on his big chance at management and he blew it in 4 weeks.

The manager before him had a crystal meth addiction. He took from the inventory to sell and had a habit of not accounting for the missing items. If your following along here kids, the moral is drugs make you do stupid shit that is bad for business.

The manager before crackhead and meth-man was just a crook. He was in Jesus band back in Oklahoma City, also the hometown of the previous two mentioned. He got fired after the 7th customer paid by check, manager cashes check, then manager doesn't deliver product. The first time would have been enough for me. I guess there really is some appeal to bass players afterall.

There was one before him but he quit to persue this business solo. I didn't get to know him well even though he hired me. In any case, its on me now.

Just yesterday, one of my new part time salesman stumbled upon a sale. He presented the meat and was paid with a forged check. The police got involved, but nothing will happen. We got screwed and some asshole is eating choice cut Angus steaks for free. I hope he chokes on the T-Bone.

Let me tell you about the run of bad luck incurred by my employees. Just this week we have had two cousins die in car accidents, and a brother die of cancer. One wife recieved a fractured ankle at work, and another simply had the flu. I feel like Vice Principal Ed Rooney in Ferris Bueller...."he's been absent NINE times!"

The true stories are the better than the fake ones, at least that is my experience thus far.

What's Happening Now?

I have been doing this new thing called working for a living. Less time for trivial boastings and opinion, so that should explain my absence. Hard to really determine when and how your life can change. It does, you do what you do, and so it goes until something happens again. One thing I've noticed and continued to take advantage of in my new career is: people are selfish. I guess I always thought of that as a negative trait, but so is judging other people. Since I have learned to apply that towards monetary benefit for myself. I've decided to re-evaluate selfish and judgement. It works out alot better when you are directly benefiting by the way.

In less that three months, I have moved from salesman, to the top salesman in my office, to the top salesman in the country, to the manager of my office. Quite a leap, especially for those of you following along in our home game. I just walked in off the street one day broke, and now I'm not. I can make it rain cash. That is a nice feeling to have even though I dont make it rain.

I turned 36 a month ago today. I feel pretty good about it. I got a good gig going, a humble but clean house to live in, and I always got the Maggie dog and my friends. The family has had a few rocky moments, but somehow i think that is all past and the best times are yet to come. Hell, I even broke down and bought a subscription to Pravda a few weeks back. That should tell you something. What is even better is that there were no phycholotrophic drugs involved. Good for me.

It is football season. I can't help it, but it is really dumb how it makes me feel better to know that the OU fans are crying, the UT fans are moaning, and A&M is in turmoil. Sure, we lost to Okie Lite. That sucked, but all the losses do. It helped we beat LSU Barber College by almost 70 points. Michael Crabtree. All the friends and I say to each other now is simply, "Five." Nothing else needs to be said after.



What happened to Twila?

She is still around doing the deal. So am I.

get off of my cloud

There must be some kind of way out of Lubbock, said the voter to the mayor. There is too much confusion, I can't get no satisfaction or property tax relief. Nevermind the big brother light cameras. If the Supreme Court can blatantly omit the comprehension of free speech. I suppose the City of Lubbock can justify ignoring rights and violation of probable cause. The current mayor may top the former one. Remember McDougal mayor, eminant domain, and McDougal Properties development? There is no need for worry, the courts will surely meet out justice. Think again. What's so funny? A local AM station manager said it was because the City Council was stacked with Democrats. Yeah right, and the Rangers won the World Series last year too.

I just got paid today, got me a pocket full of change that will be useless at the ZZTop concert next month. There is no beer today or any day, cause you can't buy beer at the Spirit Arena. I wish Gov. Perry was in bed with the beer lobby too. But hey, this is Texas and integration of church upon State is the rule and never the exception. Except when Rick took a contribution from the Pharmacuetical lobby, and when Jesus needs a Autobahn built by a company from Spain to ship goods from Mexico to Canada displacing the farmers by eminant domain with our money we don't have. The farmers fight for Rick Perry last fall, then he buries them like dead collies in the concrete of 'free' trade.
"That's what we get for electing a bunch of Democrats that were really disguised as Republicans." I said to the spinster of "conservative" values on the airwaves that bounce off the atmosphere. Next thing you know, Bush will decide to flip parties. Perhaps this nightmare is like a bad 'Scooby-Do' episode, where the bad guy was really Ralph Nader all along.